I hate Chronic Lyme Disease.
As I write this I'm at home while everyone else is at church. My husband, family, friends and small group are all at church and I'm so bummed I'm not there. I was going to go because this weekend is a huge party to launch the small groups and invite people to join in community- cause life should not be done alone. But I'm super irritable, overly sensitive (sound and light) and in pain. Yes, I'm having a pity party in my room.
I've been trying my best being positive. Writing down what I'm thankful for and what blesses me. I've been trying to surround myself with positive life-giving people. But some days it gets to me. Some days I'm so bummed I'm missing out that all the positive thoughts, praying and thankful lists can't make it better.
Like for real, I just want to go to the beach or to the zoo or to the state fair or hike ... I want to be human for a bit! No meds to take, no infusing to do, no resting, and no pain!
I miss life. I miss showers not being marathons. I miss driving my car. I miss making plans and keeping them. I miss not "paying for it" the next day. I miss being able to fill up my whole water bottle alone. I miss hiking. I miss having a hard apple cider. I miss dancing. I miss a lot. From big things to things people take for granted everyday. Things I take for granted.
I think I'm just super disappointed. I thought this month was gonna be different, but instead it's been a plateau... Well, actually, it's been some steps back. My feet started hurting again. The pain in my spleen, lower back, heart and chest is worse. Heart racing, skipping beats, and pausing has been worse. I'm irritable, sound/light sensative again. And the stupid ringing in my ears is loud. Like I-can't-think loud. Among a few other things.
But I still need to look for the positives. Otherwise this gets too hard. My moods are still pretty stable (I mean for a girl ;). Depression and anxiety have not gotten worse. I have a bit more energy. Can still walk on my own. And the hiatal hernia hadn't caused me any issues in a few weeks! So yay for all that!
I went to the hormone treatment doctor last week. Let's just say it's a good thing I'm going to her. My blood test came back with my hormones in a few cases being extremely low. She works with Lymies as well and said this could be the reason I keep plateauing/relapsing. So this hormone treatment can help the Lyme treatment. Here's to hoping so!
I'm not depressed. I'm not angry. I'm not bitter or hating life. I'm just disappointed. I'm ready to be in remission. I'm ready to have a job and go to school. I'm ready to live with just me and Tanner. I'm ready to move on from this season of life. I'm ready. And even in the hard, painful, lonely days the readiness is stronger than the sadness. My eagerness to keep fighting this tormenting, despicable, painful disease is stronger than my disappointment that it isn't going how I want.
And sometimes on the days I can't take anymore, the days I want to pull out the PICC line and call it quits, I feel stronger. Caus, in that moment, I have to make a choice. Do I want it? Do I want to kick Lyme disease in the butt and say I beat it? Do I want that more than having a pitty party and throwing in the towel? Yes! I want it! I want nothing more than to hear Dr.N say "you're in remission". I want nothing more than to tell all of you I beat this. I want nothing more than to be victorious over chronic Lyme Disease.
And so despite the pitty party happening. Despite the pain and loneliness. Despite Lyme Disease. I fight. And I'll win! Cause I want that more than I'm tired and sick and hurting. I want to beat this. I have to beat this.
And in the hardest of days, the days where fighting for my life seems impossible, I ask myself- what do I want more? To let Chronic Lyme Disease beat me? Or for me to beat it?
• I'm thankful I can live stream church service
• I'm thankful God made me a fighter, more than a conqueror, victorious, passionate, and strong spirited
• I'm thankful for a car ride into the mountains with my husband
~ "But He gives more grace" James 4:6