I started off 2015 asking questions: who am I? What do I like? What don't I like? What has Lyme changed in me and who is the real me?
I feel like over the past 12 months I've learned more about myself. I learned my likes and dislikes. I learned who I play well with and who I clash with. I learned who I really am, not who Lyme created me to be.
I'm loud and energetic. I used to try and cover those up because I thought to be a "good Christian woman" I had to be gentle and quiet and submissive. And yes those things are good to an extent, but they aren't good when you are covering up your real self. I'm passionate and opinionated. I have feelings about things and I like to share those. I used to think I was a leader by default(because I had to be), but that's not true. I'm a leader. And I love being a leader. I'm also a dreamer. Boy, am I a dreamer. I speak my mind. Maybe you can call me slightly rebellious and untamed- and if you did, I'd like that. I'm an introvert. My favorite time of the day is when I take my detox bath. Why? Because I'm alone. I'm vulnerable. I'm a sharer. I feel that if we keep things silent that robs people from getting physical, mental and emotional healing.
I learned this year that people are not always going to like me. And that's okay! My job is not to please anyone. My job is to be loved by Jesus, love myself, and love others. And if those three things are happening then your opinion of me won't rock my world. I think I allowed people's opinions of me to change me. I had to learn the real me, then decide that I totally and completely love and accept myself. Now, people can think what they want, God has my back and He adores me.
I learned that that no matter what happens around me my world doesn't change. I'm still liked and loved by Jesus. And nothing that happens will stop God's great plans for my life. No matter the tension, broken relationships, gossip, heated discussions, or difference of opinions my world has not changed. I don't need to carry any of that. I carry peace because I walk with the Prince of peace. I love myself because God loves me, and in turn I can love others. Surrendering is part of being a Christ follower. It doesn't make you weak to let all that go, it makes you strong because you are putting it in the hands of a God who can actually redeem it.
I also learned that allowing other people's crazy to make me crazy is CRAZY! When people talk bad about you behind your back but never seek the truth from you- that's crazy. When people lie to you and do everything they can to cover their story- that's crazy. When people hate you for something that's out of your control- that's crazy! Why do we allow crazy to make us crazy? I have a sound mind. I walk with peace. I'm loved by Jesus. Crazy no longer makes me crazy.
Being married, having kids, college degrees, and high paying jobs doesn't make you more than people without those things. God is the same good when you're single, married, with kids and holding a college degree. It's not a stepping stool of the mature. Someone with all those things may be more immature than someone without those things. You aren't doing something right so you get kids, marriage and a good job. No. It doesn't work that way. Don't let anyone make you feel less than because you don't have what they have. People need your consent to make you feel a certain way- don't give it to them.
I'll share one more thing I learned with you (there's tons, but I'm trying to pick my favorites).
Fear is an illusion. Fear of people, the future, Lyme Disease and coinfections is an illusion. When you're little you're scared of monsters under your bed. When you get older you realize that you had a fear of something that doesn't exist. An illusion. I don't know what my future looks like with missions, babies, and Lyme but I know who olds my future. The King of kings and Lord of lords. There is no fear because I am a child of God.
My favorite parts of 2015:
- Dance party to celebrate my health
- Two new tattoos (yay for gift cards!)
- Tons of great mountain adventures
- Moving out and feeling married again
- At one point being in remission of all three bacterias (1 stayed in remission, 2 didn't)
- Being able to do the incline
- Getting the sweetest golden retriever puppy
- A trip to Minnesota
- A trip to Pennsylvania
- A trip to California
- Conquering a Spartan race
- Letting go of baggage I was carrying for far too long
- Rekindling the fire of old dreams
Here's to a new year. Here's to 2016. Here's to health, love and peace. Here's to laughter and sweet memories. Here's to change and transformation. Here's to good books and maybe my own. Here's to dancing and good food. Here's to mountain tops and valleys. Here's to adventures.