Tuesday, December 1, 2015

God Doesn't Waste Pain

I HATE Lyme Disease and coinfections. 

Positive: Still no Borellia (that's the Lyme disease bacteria) showing up in my body!
Negative: Babesia (that's the malaria type bacteria) still active and bartonella (hurts my joints and bottoms of my feet and causes anxiety/depression/mood swings) came back. 

So, obviously, I'm back on treatment for bartonella and changed protocol for babesia. Being back on meds for bartonella has helped those symptoms lesson a little. My LLMD perscribed me the strongest malaria medicine he can to kill babesia. He said he held off on prescribing it because three things could happen. Either I feel fantastic the morning after taking it, or I end up in the hospital due to horrible side effects and Herx or somewhere in the middle. He is having me start it slow as well. It's a 3 day on 7 day off protocol. I finished my first round Sunday and I'm herxing (when your body is having a die-off and you feel sicker). It's not too horrible but I also didn't wake up healed. 

Interesting news: I've been complaining A LOT about back pain. My chiropractor did some X-rays and it looks like there's arthritis in the top of my spine and rotation in the bottom of my spine. Fun I got an answer for that mess. Not so fun trying to strengthen it is more miserable than the pain itself. I keep telling myself the end result will outweigh the current pain... H.O.P.E. Hold on, pain ends. 

I also got a dog... Please meet Hamilton...

Let me explain... 
I deal with a lot of anxiety. Like to the point were most the reasons I'm anxious are completely irrational. I know they are irrational. I'll be sitting in the couch sobbing, hyperventilating and begging Tanner to not leave me alone. He'll ask what's wrong. And I won't have a reason. Nothing. I have no idea why I'm so crippled by fear. All is well with my world, but my brain makes no sense. I blame bartonella and babesia. 

What does that have to do with Hamilton? Well, he's going to be trained to be an emotional support dog. He's going to help me get fully and completely healthy. Not just with anxiety but also with back pain. My back feels better when I'm standing and moving it, however, herxing feels better when I'm curled in a ball. Being curled in a ball makes my back worse, but moving uses spoons I don't have. But I need to strengthen my body to get healed... This dog is helping me through that process. He's getting me up and moving and still time to rest. 

He's hardwork, but I know the end result will outweigh the sleepless nights, smell of bitterapple everywhere, and pieces of my carpet in his mouth. 

There's an update about me :) 

I was reminded last week that God NEVER wastes pain. 
I got a phone call from someone who's husband has Lyme Disease and he's tired of fighting the battle. She's tired of seeing him in pain and sick. They feel hopeless and alone. No one gets it. They don't know what their future looks like. Doctors can't promise them anything. 

She called me asking for hope. What could I give her? What could I say to her? I'm not 100% better, treatment was hell and isn't over yet, and I don't know what my future holds with Lyme. Maybe she should talk to someone who is cured. Someone who's in remission. Someone who didn't have a PICC line, bedridden and in a wheelchair... 

Was bedridden, with a PICC line, pushed around in a wheelchair. Was. Meaning past. Meaning I'm not anymore. 

So I sat on the phone with a stranger and we cried. We cried for the caregivers of Lymies. We cried for Lyme warriors who battle day in and day out. We cried for her. We cried for me. We cried. 

I told her the things that have kept me afloat. I resolved a few facts when all this first started. Things that I refused to lose sight of. 
1. God is good. I refuse to believe anything less than God is good. My current health situation does not take away from His goodness. My physical state does not change God's eternal glory. He is good. God is nothing less than good. 
2. Jesus loves me. His love is gentle and kind and pure. His thoughts towards me are lovely. I'm the apple of His eye. He hates seeing me in pain more than I hate being in pain. He adores me. 
3. My theology may have shaken but my foundation never will. I don't understand healing. How or when or why it works in some cases but not others. But I have resolved to believe that God is Healer. He may not be Healer how I want him to be, but, He is Healer. 
4. I won't let my thoughts go anywhere less than victory and complete healing. All the "what if's" and uncertainty are not welcomed. Negativity doesn't win battles. Relentless faith does. 

I read an article about how gratitude doesn't heal grief. And I completely agree with not telling someone how to heal. Your journey is your journey. Their journey is their journey. And the beautiful part is neither look the same. 
But I had to disagree a little because finding the silver lining in things is what has gotten me through my hell. Writing my list of things I'm grateful for. Reminding my heart there is still beauty in the world. 5. I do my hardest at finding the something beautifuls. The silver linings. The hope. 

This is my story. Where there was no way  God made a way. God met me in my deepest pit. And though this season isn't over, it one day will be. And none of this will be a waste. I am a Lyme warrior. And my fellow Lyme warriors are not alone. This is our story. 

~ "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Cor 4:16-18 

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