There is this dream I've had for 10 years. There is a place I want to call home and people I want to hear stories from. It's what my heart aches for and where I desire to put my energy. I've had countless dreams and prophetic words spoken over me. I've tried to throw myself into this place and doors have been shut. I've surrendered, begged God, to take it away. And it still engulfs my passion.
And every time I try to get there the door closes. Which is why I've spent so much time surrendering this crazy desire to God. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe it's a bit of both.
Why would I have such deep desires, detailed dreams, strong passion, and love for a place and people I'm not with? If this idea is wrong shouldn't the feelings go away? Is God teasing me? Why would my 'wake up calls' and the prophetic words spoken over me be a joke?
When I got diagnosed with Lyme Disease and coinfections I remember thinking it was another bolder in the way. Maybe through treatment my heart's longing will disappear. But the opposite happened. My heart's cry got stronger and stronger. It helped me fight through each day knowing this wasn't my forever and I had dreams to hold on to.
I've been eagerly waiting for Jesus to release Tanner and myself since I started feeling better. Back in May when doors started opening we were sitting in a place of waiting. Waiting to see what Jesus would do. Waiting for the door to open. Waiting for our release.
People were prophesying. Dreams and passions were stronger. Strangers were talking to the depths of our hearts. God's voice became more and more clear. That eagerness you get in the depths of your stomach when you know something is about to happen was there.
Now is the time.
Then it all stopped. The strangers. The detailed dreams. The 2am wake ups to pray. The testimony after testimony.
I was face to face with my Dr suggesting I start Babesia (Lyme coinfection) treatment back up. He said this because of the tininitus, anxiety, flu-like symptoms, headache, and fatigue that began again.
How does one go from diving in to their heart's cry to facing a locked up door... Again.
I was mad and sad. I was so mad and sad I felt like acting like a five-year-old and only using the words mad and sad. I was confused and felt a tad bit stupid. How could so much change in a matter of months? How could I go from thinking I was dropping everything to live out 14 year-old Rebekah's dream to laying in bed sick?
Something that was said over and over to me during the summer was that God doesn't give us dreams to tease us. I heard this so many times I knew it was from Jesus. But in that season I thought it was a healing over the past ten years. That I had a dream not as a waste but God had a purpose in it.
Now I have to chose to trust that God isn't teasing me again. To be frank, a little bit of me felt like He did. I mean all this action. Testimony after testimony. Then nothing. It kinda stings... A lot.
I believe God gave Tanner and I hope. When all of those doors were opening we journaled. Now we are able to read back and be amazed at how and when God shows up and does His God thing. My flesh wants to freak out and worry that it'll be another ten years and another door shut, but my spirit knows that God doesn't give me dreams to tease me. He gives me them to have something to fight for and believe in. He gives dreams to give us hope.
This past summer a very wise woman told me to dream again. And that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm dreaming with my 14 year-old self. I'm believing that God isn't teasing me, but giving me something to fight for and cling to. He's not a mean God. He's good and knows exactly what His children need to hear to dream again.
I encourage you to dream again. I encourage you to fight for whatever makes your heart dance. No matter how far off it seems or how unrealistic or dirty... Dream. That thing that fills your prayers. That thing that makes your heart ache. That thing that you can't get off your mind no matter how crazy it seems... Dream.
I feel like the story gets better and better with each opened and closed door. I mean, at this point, it's gonna be a really good story when I get there.
- "Back to the start, my heart is heavyFeels like it's time, to dream again
I see the clouds, and yes I'm ready
To dance upon, this barren land
Hope in my hands"