Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Let's Clear Things Up

I feel like I may have been to quick in my last post about my Dr. appt and it confused people. So I wanted to explain what's going on a little better... 

Last week when I saw my LLMD he did some testing and found babesia (a coinfection to Lyme that makes you feel flu-like) in my body. I was cleared of Babesia in January. I've been off all treatment since January, but sometime in the past couple months the boogers returned. 

They could have gone into hiding and popped back out or I could have given them to Tanner and he gave it back or it's a straight up relapse. 

I know a lot of you are not thrilled with me using the word "relapse". But I'm okay with it. Why? Because I'm not giving it value. I believe that every name must bow to the name of Jesus and babesia is a name so I'm calling it out and telling it to obey Jesus Christ. 

I saw my therapist last week and was challenged to stop finding my value in  "not having Lyme". Funny, huh? For so long I learned to not find my value in having Lyme... But I can't do the opposite either. Otherwise finding out Babesia is hanging around my body makes me freak out and fall apart. 

I'm not giving any of that value. No value in babesia, relapse and not even in not having a disease. My value is 100% in Christ. I am a child of God. Period. No matter what happens with my health- I am a child of God. End of story. 

So what now? 

Well, I'm back on treatment. I'm herxing. So I feel flu-like, pain in my chest, ribs, spine, heart. Dr.N thinks it's just 1 month worth and I'll be off treatment again. Tanner will be getting tested in a couple weeks to see if he is carrying Lyme or coinfections and he'll start treatment. My Dr doesn't believe you can normally pass it to each other if you're on treatment. So Tanner will start before I finish and we should both be clear and no more sharing. 

To be frank... It sucks. I don't like feeling sick. Those couple of months of almost symptom free are now teasing me. I have to continuously take my thoughts captive and trust that God is good and He will make sure the victory is bigger and better than the battle. I don't get why this happened. I'm really good at being healthy and enjoying life ;) really not fond of this nonsense. I feel foggy headed and I'm having a difficult time connecting my brain and thoughts. I feel sluggish and fatigued. 

But I know I'll make it through. I know  I'm victorious in Christ and that I'll be okay. I really appreciate those of you who were sympathetic and said "sorry, that sucks". Thanks for getting mad with me and being upset. That's what I needed. There's not much to say. Thank you for the lime green hearts and the prayers. I need them. I don't know how to do another round of treatment without God's grace. 

What does the future look like? Stupid news: I have no clue. Lovely news: Jesus will still be Lord. I couldn't tell you if I'll be Lyme free again in a month or if those boogers will come back in a few months. Or if I'll be cleared and stay lyme free till Jesus brings me home. Either way Jesus will be Lord and I'll be okay because I am a child of God. 

Fun little God story: On Mother's Day I was having a rough time not being a mommy. I know it's not the time. I know I need to get healthy first. I know it all. The common sense in me agrees. But my heart was aching. Not only is it not the right time, but it's not even possible. My hormones got a little hurt with Lyme and need to be healed and start working on their own. ANYWAY. It sucks. And I was telling Jesus and Tanner that I'm not into this plan. I decided to do one of those 'let's see what my daily devotion says and see if God will speak through it' things. And the first line said,"I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten." Joel 2:25 

And I cried. That's my promise from the Lord. That's what I can hold on to. No matter what I've lost during these years of sickness Jesus will restore it. And I know His restoration is so much better than my plan A. 

If you have any questions please ask. This is my life. I'm all about Lyme Disease awareness. It's a stupid disease. And I refuse to do nothing about it.  

~ "Be brave, my darling you have faced dark times before and you're still here now."

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

And If Not, He Is Still Good

I was hoping this post would just be filled with the awesome things that I have been doing. All the life I've been living and celebrating and adventures I've been on. 

But I have some not so great news. I was debating on what to share first and decided to get the bad news out of the way and then focus on the great stuff. 

Today I saw my LLMD and found out Babesia has returned. Is it a relapse, or did Tanner give it to me or did it come out of hiding? Who knows. I'm back on Babesia treatment for the next month. Hopefully that will really be the end of this. 

I'm processing. I'm a little mad. But to be honest, I'm not surprised. I have a few symptoms I'd rather not live with. Headaches, ringing in the ears, rib pain, and chest pain. It's better than it's ever been, but not 100%. 

Tanner will start treatment in a couple weeks so I'll be safe on treatment till he can start. Then this sharing nonsense can end ;) so maybe it's by God's grace I'm on treatment till Tanner starts. Protect me from getting it worse till Tanner gets cleared up. 

God is still good

I've resolved that no matter what happens God is good, I'm loved by the King of kings, and my world has not changed. My hope is in Jesus, so I can never be hopeless. God has not failed me and He won't start now. 

I used to watch this tv show when I was sick. The girl had leukemia and was going through treatment. She got better and went into remission, started living life then she relapsed.  In the show she said something about being stupid for thinking it was gone. 

I'm not going to think like that. Instead I'm choosing joy. How blessed am I to get to rely on God's strength and watch Him move mountains. How sweet that my life is dependent on God's grace. How beautiful is it that I get to keep learning about God's character. 

Now that that's out of the way... 

I got a part-time job. My mom, best friend and husband threw me a "something beautiful" party. And I did a Spartan race this past weekend. Best part... I feel the best I have ever felt in my life! 

I currently work as an Administrative Assistant at my church. I adore my job. I love waking up with a purpose. I love earning a paycheck. I love what I do and who I work for. It's just perfect. Jesus was so involved with me getting that! 

So I had this dance party... I wore a bright lime green dress and danced for almost 3 hours. My friends and family came to celebrate with me. When I was my sickest this was the party I dreamt about and waited for. I used to say, "Mom, you promise when I feel better we'll dance?" And she promised. So here it was. My dance party. Celebrating that I made it through the darkest of nights. I didn't want to call it a remission party cause I believed God healed me. I still do believe God healed me. 
This was the best party ever. 

This past weekend I did a Spartan Sprint.  4.9 miles and 20 obstacles. I had so much fun and can't wait to do another. I carried heavy things and jumped walls and swung from a rope and did burpees... And a lot more. I crossed the finish line covered in mud, with tears in my eyes, and wished it wasnt over yet. 

Being told I have Babesia again doesn't change the fact that I've moved out, gotten a job, danced for almost 3 hours, and did a Spartan race. And now I'm training for a half marathon. 

Can I challenge you? 

Don't live life waiting for the next shoe to drop. That's not going to stop the bad from happening. And when crap does happen your world has not changed. You are still adored by Jesus. You are still more than a conqueror. And you are victorious. 

Life is like a video game. Each level gets harder. But when you conquer that level you move up. You get another super power or more tokens or a gift. It wasn't wasted. When challenges come, overcome them, don't get stuck in them. Challenges are your opportunity to get closer to Jesus, grow and learn. 

So bring it. I'm ready to destroy the last bit of Lyme in my body. Bring on the treatment. Cause I know that the finish line is close. It couldn't kill me the first time, it won't kill me this time. Plus I'm even stronger than before. 

"This is my fight song, take back my life song."