Friday, October 10, 2014

Month 14(prt1): Can't Kill Me

Take a deep breath.

And another one. 

Even slower. 

Now read Psalm 23. 

That, mixed with the worst pain of my life and fear and anxiety was me a few weekends ago. But I lived. I'm alive. 

About a month ago, the day after I started my new treatment, I started getting these weird episodes. I felt like my body was completely shutting down. I couldn't move, talk, think, had a hard time breathing... My family described it as being petrified. My functioning abilities would completely stop. Lasted between 5 min to a couple hours. 

I had these episodes from Tuesday through Thursday. When Tanner and I were at small group Thursday night (about 4 weeks ago) I felt my chest getting hot. I thought maybe it was a weird rash or just anxiety, so I kept trying to brush it off. I was zoning in and out and was completely off. 

We got home from group and I couldn't shake how I was feeling. When I went to go flush my PICC line I noticed blood around the PICC site. So Tanner took me to the ER. The dr looked at it and decided it was probably just placed wrong and my home nurse can fix the dressing in the morning. So we left. 

Halfway home I kept complaining to Tanner about the chest pain, so we decided to go back. They brought me back to a room and started doing tests. EKG, X-ray, blood work. The er dr came back saying he thinks it was a mixture of Lyme Disease inflammation and anxiety. He also said that my PICC line was looped in my chest. He said it was no big deal and to show my nurse in the morning. So I went home. 

We got home at about 430am and I layed awake till about 6 in debilitating pain. When Tanner started getting ready for work I crawled downstairs and sat with my mom on the couch completely flipping out. Seriously, the pain in my chest was so bad. Beyond bad. I was convulsing from the pain. So obviously mom brought me back to the er (a different one this time). They checked my tests from the night before, did more tests, and gave me lots of morphine. The er dr came in saying my PICC line had coiled under the base of my neck, pulling my veins with it. It should have stopped right above my heart but was in the base of my neck on the right side.... Yeah, that hurts, to say the least. 

They pulled it. And the line came out curled. The nurse bandaged me up and sent me on my way. She said the pain should go away. It was Friday afternoon and I had had no sleep since Wednesday night. I was exhausted, still in pain, and dealing with anxiety. 

That night the pain just kept increasing. I told myself I could go back to the ER or start praying, worshipping and reading Scriprure. I chose to press into Jesus. So that night my mom and Tanner joined me in crying out to Jesus to stop the pain. This went into me proclaiming God's Word and promises. Which finished in me dancing around my room worshipping my Jesus. I was declaring Who's I was, God's character, and who I am. I, at one point, was jumping on my bed and singing as loud as I could - taking my life back. 

Some friends of ours came over late that night to help with the hiatal hernia by adjusting me. They also told me about this lazor thing that has been helping people feel better- I was gonna try it Monday. 

Didn't sleep that night either. Still more pain than I'd like, anxiety, and shaking. 

Saturday morning my mother in love came to get me to take me back to the chiropractor, and pick up some pain killers my dr sent in for me. She also sat with me and helped me eat to take the new meds. 

Throughout the day the pain just kept increasing to the point where Tanner put me in the bathtub to try and calm me down. Didn't help at all. I started hyperventilating and shaking and begging them to take me back to the hospital. I even told Tanner I wouldn't leave the hospital without relief or being admitted. 

The ER did more tests and the dr came back saying I just need to calm down and let my veins calm down. They have been being tugged on. I asked to be admitted and they said they had no reason to. 

When I waited to sign the last bit of paperwork I felt hopeless and terrified. My husband and mom were in the room exhausted after two days of hell. My best friend was holding my hand. And everytime I tried falling asleep the machine started beeping. The morphine had done nothing - and I was gonna go home like this. 

Again no sleep. 

Then Sunday I spirled downhill. The pain meds didn't help, I couldn't sleep, I wasn't eating or drinking. And the pain just kept increasing. The hospitals couldn't help me, my dr didn't know what to do at this point, and God wasn't answering my prayers- my heart cries! I felt abandoned and alone. I thought I was dying. I remember thinking "this is it. I'm gonna die. No one can help me. Jesus won't heal me. I'm out of faith. I can't live like this... I'm barely even living..." And the thoughts got darker. Hopeless. Abandoned. Rejected. Terrified. Scared. Alone. Forgotten. Lost. Anxious. 

Finally Tanner called some friends of ours who didn't answer. He then called another friend, who was at the first friend's house right up the street. Both their families invited us over for prayer. 

I went to my pastor's house in polar bear pajamas, a greasy messy hair bun, and one of Tanner's shirts on. I was a mess. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. 

They cried with me for a little while, then we prayed. For three hours we pressed into Jesus. We worshipped and prayed and cried out and waited. We all told Jesus "this is it! You have to heal me. There is no other option." One of their younger sons prayed over me "Lord, heal Mrs.Bekah or she's gonna die." As morbid as that sounds it was the truth. I was beyond the end of my rope. I wasn't  standing on the cliff of life or death I was falling off the cliff.  

"Jesus do something"

And He did. He gave me peace. Peace that surpasses ALL understanding guarded my heart and mind. I rested in my Saviour. Despite the pain and fear I knew I was gonna be okay. Jesus had me. Jesus is my Prince of peace. 

Over the course of the next few days I went back to that peace. When the pain started back up I rested in Jesus. When the fear crippled in I listened to Psalms. When I started having anxiety I took every thought captive in the obedience of Christ and focused on Jesus. And new things started filling my heart and mind. Hopeful. Rested. Peaceful. Energy. Life. Found. Accepted. Love. Faith. 

I also saw my chiropractor, started that lazor thing, and say my therapist.

My life started changing. A week after all that PICC stuff I went to the Farmer's Market with my parents. Walked around by myself. Then two weeks after being in a wheelchair and thinking I was dying I went for a hike! A mile hike in the gorgeous, autumn, Colorado mountains. Tanner and I actually sat down in a field and enjoyed the snow and yellow leaves and perfect weather. We did Psalm 23. 

That weekend we shared our testimony with our church. We celebrated with our church that Jesus heals. It was a huge faith moment for Tanner and I because telling everyone that Jesus healed me made it real. "By the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony..." 

I've been hiking, dancing, driving, and walking for a few weeks now- and it's amazing! 

I saw Dr.N Monday. He was completely blown away by the change. I told him it was a miracle. I'm not 100% yet, but I'd say I'm like 80%. I feel the best I have in a long time. Still dealing with some symptoms I'd rather not, but Dr.N said he thinks I'm almost there. 2-4 more weeks of treatment and he said he thinks he'll be able to say the "remission" word. I know that means HEALED! 

At one point I was jumping up and down during my appt and telling Dr.N this is the real me. I love life and I'm energetic and I smile a lot! He said, "I knew this was the real you. I saw this person. I've seen a very sick girl over the past year with a great attitude." And he gave me a HUGE hug. He thanked me for not giving up, and I thanked him for doing the same thing. 

Still on a journey, but it's good :) Only moving forward from here. Now Tanner and I are trying to tackle all those medical bills. About $30,000. But I don't feel hopeless. I can't wait to see how Jesus is going to come through with this one :) I'm ready to live life. 

I've suffered with mental and physical illness for 23 years. Cried out to Jesus, fasted and prayed, was brought to the elders for anointing, had faith the size of a mustard seed... And nothing. I was discouraged and hopeless. I questioned and doubted. But others told me to keep pressing into Jesus and not give up. 

Please be encouraged by this. Keep pressing into Jesus. Don't give up. No matter how long you've been crying out God hears you and He loves you. Don't give up. Your "but God" moment is going to happen. I don't know how or when or what that looks like, but it will. God isn't allowed to leave you or forsake you. "Where there is no way God makes a way." 

My lovely mother in love, Cheryl, and her sister, Julie, set up a gofundme account for Tanner and I to help with the insane amount of medical bills we are up against. Here's the link if you want to check it out. Cheryl's letter is amazing. 

~ Can't kill me.  

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