Well, I'm currently sitting in my car for the next hour with nothing to do- so what better time than now.
I'm actually pretty frustrated as to why I'm sitting in my car. I was supposed to be taking a Krav Maga class with my husband. He's been wanting to take a class with me for a while now. He found a free one and signed us up. I was totally on board until we got here. As we started walking up to the door I started freaking out.
What if my body isn't strong enough yet? What if I embarrass myself? What if I push it and relapse? I'm going to be critiqued on my moves. Look at that girl walking in... She has abs and great legs. I got tired scrubbing a microwave today...
Safe for you to assume I didn't take the class. Tanner hugged me and told me there is no need to force myself to do anything I don't feel comfortable doing. I've already spent most of my life being forced to do things... Pain, PICC line, disease, bed-ridden, awful medicine, sick, needles...
So now I'm sitting in the car. Starring at the "Krav Maga" sign. Crying.
Did I let anxiety win? I don't know.
Should I have pushed myself? Maybe.
Am I putting my health first? I think so.
Am I embarrassed and wish I could be up there getting a great body? Yes.
There's some vulnerable Rebekah for ya. Want some more?
I hate that I'm not a "normal" 24-year-old. I quit school after my Associates degree because I got too sick to handle it. I've had two "real" jobs. One lasted 3 years and the other 3 months (my admin job ended because the church closed).
And I'm currently not working because I realized I've lived with a disease for 24 years and have already relapsed within 2 months of being told I was clean. I still have some pain and minor symptoms. I'm better than I've ever been, but not exactly where I want to be. I really don't know what I'm doing. I know where I want to be, and I'm trying everything I can do to get there, but it's still a process. I need to give myself grace and understand what I really went through. I need to process and heal completely. Tanner's doctor told me that she encourages her patients to "act sick" for 6 months after they're released to get accustomed to life, get 100%, and build an immunity. Not finding my identity in sickness and making up symptoms that arent there, but more like not full throttle and pushing myself.
I have days where I couldn't be more proud of myself. Like yesterday when I went grocery shopping by myself for the very first time ever. I did like 3 weeks worth of meal prep and bought it all.
And I have days where I sit in my car and cry because I'm not "normal" and still have walls to jump. But there are more proud days than cry days.
What's the moral of this story?
A great time to blog is when you're in the car with nothing to do... Just kidding ;)
Grace. Grace is the moral of the story. I need to accept grace from my Jesus and give myself grace.
It's OKAY that I'm not "normal". It's OKAY that I have limits. It's OKAY that I feel like a fish out of water. IT'S OKAY! I'm doing the best I can and I should be proud of that. For crying out loud I beat a disease that Drs. didn't think I would. I made it through the darkest nights. Jesus' grace was and still is enough.
I BEAT LYME DISEASE!!!! And that's enough. Maybe my life doesn't look like anyone else, but does anyone's life look alike? This is my story. I'll go at the pace I need to. I choose my health. I don't choose to be on the same timeline or mental stability as everyone else.
I'm proud of how I went grocery shopping alone. I'm proud of how I push myself and go hiking to see gorgeous views. I'm proud of how I can do certain things that used to give me anxiety. I'm proud of how I work out in the gym. I'm proud of myself for reading my body and doing what I need. I'm proud of myself for driving alone. I'm proud of myself for going to Doctor appointments alone. I'm proud of my Spartan medal.
I'm choosing to focus on my LONG list of accomplishments and not my small list of fears and "fails". I'm proud of how far I've come. And more importantly Jesus is proud of me.
~ "You don't have to prove yourself. Don't try to be someone else. You are loved."