Thursday, January 29, 2015

Month 16(prt 1): I'm Okay In God

About a week and a half ago I received the best news of my life. I still can't believe it happened. 

On Monday, January 19th I saw my LLMD for my appointment. I told him how I still have some pain in my esophagus/chest/stomach/ribs/spin. I also told him about the little things like ringing in my ears, floaters, and headaches. We talked about how most of this was probably due to the mercury in my body and due to having low progesterone. I was pretty sure I still had some babesia floating around and would need more treatment for that booger. 

I sat on the bed and he did some testing. As I was getting off the bed a little later he kinda gave me a smile. Still thinking nothing of it Dr.N and I walked back to his desk to discuss the results... 
"Well, babesia isn't showing up. Actually, as a matter of fact, nothing is showing up. No bartonella, borrelia, yeast... So you're not on anything like that."
It took me a minute to catch up with what he just said. I looked at Tanner, who was blankly staring at Dr.N. I looked at mom who was tearing up and smiling brightly. 

Dr.N continued with telling me I still have mercury and need to get that out (I start the detox tonight) and he informed me that the chest/esophagus pain is emotional and I need to see Dr.L for N.E.T. 

There were so many questions I wanted to ask him, but couldn't get out of my mouth. I left knowing I see him in two months, I'm doing a mercury detox and he hopes my next appointment is my last one. 

I was able to ask why I still have some symptoms and he said sometimes it takes the body a bit to catch up. He told me to continue with the next protocol plan and we'll touch base in a couple months. Hoping those last bit of symptoms go away and are not permanent damage. 

Many Lymie's get discouraged by this. Being told they are lyme-free but still experience some issues. Maybe I should feel this way, but I'm not.  I'm over the moon that I beat Lyme's butt. If my Jesus can heal me of a "life or death" situation I'm sure a few symptoms aren't too big for Him. 

So what's next? What a question that is. What's next? Well, I'm driving alone. I'm driving to Denver (1 1/2 hours) alone. I'm driving up the mountain alone. I went on a 4 day road trip with my husband and friends this past weekend. I started training for a half marathon. I took my phsyco cat to the vet alone. I got a tattoo. I started helping schedule teachers for Sunday School. Oh, and we're looking at moving out. After 16 months of living with my parents, having everything we own in storage, being codependent, and not really feeling married- we're moving out! Still looking for a place, but I know Jesus has the perfect place for us. I'm living life and thinking about planning a "Healed" party- not "remission". Dance and celebrate with those of you that fought this out with me.  

I'm still resting in and focusing on and choosing God's peace. I'm learning to not wait for the next shoe to drop. I'm enjoying my new life. I'm learning who I am. Most of my life has been revolved around me and the sickness and my limitations and my health. But now I'm not defined by those things. So I'm figuring out what I like, who I am, what I don't like. I'm learning that no matter  what happens I'm okay because God has me. My circumstances don't define if I'm okay or not. I'm okay no matter what my circumstance is- because God has me.  

If I could give one piece of advice to people trying to overcome a disease/illness it would be to want to be healthy more than you are fearful of it. Don't focus on the next shoe to drop. Don't think of yourself as that sickness. Don't worry about the future and what could happen. Focus on the here and now. Live today for what it's worth. Focus on being healthy and the prophecy God has given you. You are not the disease. You are God's beloved child. Want it more than you're afraid of it. 

I have the choice to worry if I have permanent damage, or if my ability to be pregnant is shot, or if I'll relapse, or if certain symptoms will ever go away. Sometimes I fail in this, but I try to always choose trust. Trusting that Abba has me, trusting that I'm safe in His hands. Trusting that He has me so I'm okay.  

~ "Sometimes the people around you won't understand your journey. They don't need to, it's not for them" 

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Beauty In Depression

Yes, I'm still feeling better. Yes, I'm driving, getting up each day and doing life. I'm not in a wheelchair or house ridden. But I still deal with some symptoms. I'm still fighting babesia and borellia (mainly in the mercury of my teeth). 

There is something else I still fight through. Something I hate talking about, acknowledging, or letting people know. Something I don't think people understand unless they've dealt with it. Something I have no control over. Something I'm embarrassed that people know about me. 

If any of you know me outside of my blog you'd agree that I'm a joyful, happy, bubbly person. I like people and having adventures. I like making memories and laughing. I love being with friends and playing loud obnoxious games. I love life. 

I still deal with depression and anxiety. It's not always because of a certain situation. It's not because I'm in a fearful state or deep sadness. It's because I have very low progestrone (menopausal low) and this affects my brain. It's out of my control and is irrational. 

There is nothing to talk through. There is nothing wrong. No one said or did anything. I'm not mad or hurt. I'm rational enough to realize I'm being irrational. I just want to lay in bed and watch Gilmore Girls, cry a little, eat chocolate, and wear pjs. 

Depression is a stupid thing. I see it as the ocean. Waves to be exact. They come and go. Some are small and some big. Some last a long time and others are short. I went a few months with no problems then woke up about a week ago just wanting to introvert and cry for no reason. Nothing happened. Nothing is wrong. But everything is wrong. 

I used to think something was messed up with me. That I didn't love or trust Jesus. That I was doing something wrong or that I was mentally crazy. Being able to accept that I struggle with depression was a big deal. People saying comments to me like "Jesus is your antidepressant", "Do you have faith the size of a mustard seed?", "You're sinning. That's why you're sick", "You just don't have enough faith", "Snap out of it", "You just want attention", makes it worse. 

I wish it was a choice. I wish I could ignore it and pretend it wasn't there. I wish I could find the "problem" and let it go. But it doesn't work that way. It's an imbalance that I have absolutely no control over. 

Yes, I've prayed about it, gotten prayer, fasted, and surrendered it to Jesus. But His response has always been to me "My grace is enough and sufficient for you." God's grace is enough for me. 

I've come to learn the sweet side of depression (now I bet you all think I'm crazy). I've learned that when I'm out of control God brings order.  I've learned that in the darkest nights I meet with the sweetest embrace of Jesus. I've learned you can love Jesus had still have a thorn in your side. I've learned that sometimes when life sucks it's not because you've done something wrong but because Jesus wants His glory to be known. I love how Jesus has comforted me, shown me truth, and met me right where I am- irrational and all. I've come to know His love and faithfulness so much deeper. Those that have been given much grace and love can extend much grace and love. The darkest of times end with the sweetest of moments with my Jesus. 

I can't even begin to tell you the amount of people I've met that deal with depression or anxiety. People that are too afraid to say so because they are worried someone is going to tell them Jesus should be their antidepressant. Too worried that people will try to solve a problem where there is no problem. Worried that people will judge and give their 2 cents, even though they don't get it. 

If you deal with depression you are not alone. You haven't done something wrong to deserve this. It's okay to occasionally need time to breathe and introvert. People don't always get it and take it personal- that's not your problem. You're loved, despite depression. 

If you know someone that deals with depression- love them, don't take it personal, and don't try to fix them. Let them know you're there for them through the ups and downs. And don't assume you know better for them. Encourage and love.