Sunday, January 4, 2015

Beauty In Depression

Yes, I'm still feeling better. Yes, I'm driving, getting up each day and doing life. I'm not in a wheelchair or house ridden. But I still deal with some symptoms. I'm still fighting babesia and borellia (mainly in the mercury of my teeth). 

There is something else I still fight through. Something I hate talking about, acknowledging, or letting people know. Something I don't think people understand unless they've dealt with it. Something I have no control over. Something I'm embarrassed that people know about me. 

If any of you know me outside of my blog you'd agree that I'm a joyful, happy, bubbly person. I like people and having adventures. I like making memories and laughing. I love being with friends and playing loud obnoxious games. I love life. 

I still deal with depression and anxiety. It's not always because of a certain situation. It's not because I'm in a fearful state or deep sadness. It's because I have very low progestrone (menopausal low) and this affects my brain. It's out of my control and is irrational. 

There is nothing to talk through. There is nothing wrong. No one said or did anything. I'm not mad or hurt. I'm rational enough to realize I'm being irrational. I just want to lay in bed and watch Gilmore Girls, cry a little, eat chocolate, and wear pjs. 

Depression is a stupid thing. I see it as the ocean. Waves to be exact. They come and go. Some are small and some big. Some last a long time and others are short. I went a few months with no problems then woke up about a week ago just wanting to introvert and cry for no reason. Nothing happened. Nothing is wrong. But everything is wrong. 

I used to think something was messed up with me. That I didn't love or trust Jesus. That I was doing something wrong or that I was mentally crazy. Being able to accept that I struggle with depression was a big deal. People saying comments to me like "Jesus is your antidepressant", "Do you have faith the size of a mustard seed?", "You're sinning. That's why you're sick", "You just don't have enough faith", "Snap out of it", "You just want attention", makes it worse. 

I wish it was a choice. I wish I could ignore it and pretend it wasn't there. I wish I could find the "problem" and let it go. But it doesn't work that way. It's an imbalance that I have absolutely no control over. 

Yes, I've prayed about it, gotten prayer, fasted, and surrendered it to Jesus. But His response has always been to me "My grace is enough and sufficient for you." God's grace is enough for me. 

I've come to learn the sweet side of depression (now I bet you all think I'm crazy). I've learned that when I'm out of control God brings order.  I've learned that in the darkest nights I meet with the sweetest embrace of Jesus. I've learned you can love Jesus had still have a thorn in your side. I've learned that sometimes when life sucks it's not because you've done something wrong but because Jesus wants His glory to be known. I love how Jesus has comforted me, shown me truth, and met me right where I am- irrational and all. I've come to know His love and faithfulness so much deeper. Those that have been given much grace and love can extend much grace and love. The darkest of times end with the sweetest of moments with my Jesus. 

I can't even begin to tell you the amount of people I've met that deal with depression or anxiety. People that are too afraid to say so because they are worried someone is going to tell them Jesus should be their antidepressant. Too worried that people will try to solve a problem where there is no problem. Worried that people will judge and give their 2 cents, even though they don't get it. 

If you deal with depression you are not alone. You haven't done something wrong to deserve this. It's okay to occasionally need time to breathe and introvert. People don't always get it and take it personal- that's not your problem. You're loved, despite depression. 

If you know someone that deals with depression- love them, don't take it personal, and don't try to fix them. Let them know you're there for them through the ups and downs. And don't assume you know better for them. Encourage and love. 


No comments:

Post a Comment