I was going to write my next blog about LLMD's, how I got to mine, and treatment. But I feel like God has something else He wants me to talk about. So I'll write about that another time.
Even though I've been sick all my life, I've always been a dreamer. When I was in 5th grade, I remember the time a few of my classmates were talking about what they wanted to be wen they grew up. They turned to me and asked what I wanted to be... I thought for a moment and said I want to be a dancer or the first female president. I remember all of the boys saying I couldn't do that since only boys are presidents. They all told me we would have a female president way before I'm old enough to run. But I wasn't discouraged, just made me dream bigger!
In High School I went to Uganda twice, Winnipeg, Canada, and Waveland, Mississippi. A year after I graduated from High School I decided I would go to Zhytomor, Ukraine for a few months. I had never been there before nor had I met the person I would be living with until I arrived. I LOVED it! From all of the experiences and adventures I had on these trips, it confirmed God's calling on my life to be a missionary in either Africa or New York City (Thank you, David Wilkerson).
I led three Pro-life rallies, and spoke at three March 4 Life's. I was the student who wrote and spoke on the topics of abortion, human trafficking, orphans in Ukraine, homeless people and such. When I began taking college classes I decided I wanted to make a lasting difference in the realm of politics. Before my health started declining and hindering my passions, my biggest issue was trying to decide if I wanted to live with homeless people in NYC, or move to Washington, D.C. and fight for the preborn.
Up until a year ago, the majority of my Facebook posts were about adventure, breaking out of the mundane mold, doing crazy things, going to the Red Light District in Amsterdam, rescuing preborn babies, hanging out with broken and unloved people downtown and listening to their stories. I thrived for something more and never wanted my life to be boring or "ordinary" .
But this vicious disease and lengthy treatment took all of that from me. Of course my passions haven't changed. But I don't lay in bed dreaming of being a foster mom to troubled youth, adopting babies that were about to be aborted, starting my own ministry, or rescuing those trapped in slavery. My Facebook posts started being about how God is our hope, He heals, and about Lyme Disease. Now, I lay in bed and beg God to take this pain away so I can have at least a couple hours of sleep.
To be completely honest, I miss who I used to be. At times I feel like there is just no point to my life right now and I have nothing to show for. Going from wanting to see the world to wondering if I can make it down the stairs without crying or falling is really hard on my heart. I don't like seeing or being around people and I have to make a choice to be happy for people that have exciting news, because I'm jealous.
BUT GOD:
The past few weeks I have been telling... yelling... crying out to God about how fed up, lonely, in pain and tired I am. He didn't answer how I wanted Him to, but He did answer.
On Sunday I got a message from someone thanking me for writing my blog and encouraging me to keep writing. I then found out that Sarah Young (the author of Jesus Calling) wrote her books when she was suffering with Chronic Lyme Disease. Yesterday I got a message from someone who has been sick for a while asking more about Lyme Disease.
And today when I was pouring my heart out to God, He encouraged me to read today's Jesus Calling, so I did. The first sentence? "Come to Me with your gaping emptiness, knowing that in Me you are complete." I LOVE this 💚 Not only do I love the reminder that God does not fail nor forsake us, but I love that I am complete in Him. If I'm holding Ugandan babies in Africa or laying in bed sick trying to sing worship music to my King, I am complete. Even if physically I have nothing to show for, I am complete in Christ.
Now that's beautiful.
Energy Expelled: An Epsom salt bath to rid my brain of toxins to think clearly. A nap before and halfway through. Having to wipe down the keyboard due to sweating (thanks random fever). Covering my hands with an ice pack so my fingers would loosen up. And taking relax-a-tone to calm my brain and heart down.
~ If our hope is in God we can never be hopeless
My God has grace for each moment that I'm down, unable to work, unable to breathe because the pain hurts that bad, unable to be anything but in pain, too tired to move, too tired to think. When those moments come, I am only able to pray that God would bolster my spirit to cling to Him as He carries me. My peace in those moments transcends all the arguments and struggles and pain. He gives me grace for that moment, and in that moment, all I have is Him. It is a choice to accept that grace and surrender your right to question, to argue or hold grudges. Allowing God to live in you and through you in those moments is humbling and heartmelting, shaking off the burden of guilt, failure and expectations and letting Him wash over me and remove the stuff that stuck to me is the greatest feeling. He replaces all those things with Himself and I live. I do not have Lyme, but I do live with Fibro and Arthritis, so I learn along side you in this school. Be at peace in what He is able to do in you every moment. He will prove His greatness to you.
ReplyDeleteAmen :) 2 Corinthians 12:9 has been so tangible and real in my life. "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." I am amazed how even through pain God is still evidently good and His love for me is unquestionable.
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