Goodbye 2014

2014. What do I say about 2014? 

I can honestly say this has been the worst year of my life. And on the other hand I can say this has been the best year of my life. "My life" is a funny phrase. I mean, I'm 24. Only a quarter of the way there. So how much worth does "best or worst year of my life" hold? 

I think it holds a lot of value. I'm sure I'll go through difficult seasons and experience great joy and deep loss in the years to come. I'm sure I'll hate seasons of my life and also see God's hand move mightily. But this season, this year, was a big one for me. 

(And this is where I start to cry) 

I battled out a disease that had been killing me since the day I was born. I felt such deep physical pain I wouldn't even know how to put it into words. I was mentally tourtured. I slept on the bathroom floor. I overdosed on medicine. Faced some of my biggest fears. Had a PICC line placed and felt the pain of that line tug at my heart and pull veins as it coiled. Experienced torturing amounts of rage, depression and anxiety, in which I had no control over. Infused my own IV abx. I was bedridden. I sat in a wheelchair. Was told by the nurses they thought I didn't make it. Pain and torture. Pain and torture. 

And I beat it. I beat all of it. I looked death in the face and won. Jesus won. 

I still can't believe 2014 was the year my life would change. After having symptoms since my 1st birthday and praying and fasting and having the mustard seed faith - I saw the miracle happen. I was a part of the miracle. I can't get over that. 

Don't get me wrong, I haven't had a pain free day yet. But I'm driving! And did a 5k. And have a sound mind. Haven't sat in a wheelchair or fallen over in 13 weeks.  2015 will be the year I say I had a pain free day. I won't settle for a day though. I need it to become my life. 

What did I learn? Oh man I could go on for days about what I learned. I learned that family isn't always blood or paperwork. I'm a fighter and a warrior and nothing can beat me because Jesus lives in me. Prayer works. I don't owe anyone anything. Life is messy but beautiful. My life is worth it and necessary. God is good. He's unfailing good. The darkest nights are really where you meet with the deepest grace and love of Jesus. And I learned that the faith of a child can change everything. 

I couldn't have done this year without a few particular people. 

My brother was a trooper. Making sure I ate and had water to drink. He checked up on me constantly. Walked me to the bathroom. He made me smile when I didn't want to keep moving on. 

My dad kept the laughter going.  His faith encouraged me. Some people call it being oblivious, but I say otherwise. My dad knew I was gonna make it. He had do doubt in his mind that his daughter was a fighter and victorious. 

My dear friend, N. I didn't have many friends this past year and not only did she stick with me but she understood all of it. God knew what He was doing when He made us friends. To have a friend stick it out with you is amazing. But to have a friend stick with you and understand you is simply wonderful. 

My best friend, A, amazes me. Every Wednesday, without fail, she came to my house and spent time with me. She hung out at the er and held my hand. She saw my highs and lows. She's a true friend. I'm glad I get to celebrate and party in this new season with her. 

My mom is my hero. My mom is quite possibly the most amazing woman on the planet. And in the history of ever. There are no words. She took in her son in law and daughter and loved with no strings attached. My mom taught me you don't have to live in a 3rd world country or give a bed to the homeless or adopt all the children to save the world. Sometimes saving the world is holding your daughter's hand and telling her she's gonna make it. It's crying out to Jesus  when doctors shrug their shoulders. It's laying down your life and sacrifice everyhing to meet someone where they are at. My mom is a hero. My mom is my hero. 

Tanner, my husband. He's the best. Like really. If you want to be a better husband you talk to him. Not many husbands will stand by their wives when they are mentally and physically sick while living in their in law's house 2 years into marriage. He sacrificed a career and school and being a newlywed to see me healthy. He's a man. And he's a handsome man too ;) 

Thank you. There seems to be no power in those words, but thank you. 

2014. Pain and torture. But God. Great joy and hope. I think that's what I have to say about 2014. But God. Where there was no way He made a way. Where no one else could reach me, He found me. But God. 

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." 

Goodbye 2014. Hello 2015. 

Month 15(prt 1): Where I'm At

Well hello there! I haven't written in over a month. Life has been a little crazier for me since getting healthier. I also wondered if anyone wanted to keep reading my blog once I wasn't bedridden anymore... So I guess we will find out ;) 

I'm currently off all antibiotics. Everything I take to kill Lyme Disease is a supplement. Still battling borrelia and babesia. Bartonella is not an issue for me :) and it's going to stay that way! I'm still on ambien for sleeping, hydrocortisone for my adrenals (but I'm slowly coming off), and hormones to get my body to start making some (living in perimenopause at 23 was not ideal). 

Every week I go for lazor therapy and chiropractor. Once a month I go to Dr.N for Lyme treatment and I go to L for NET therapy. I see Dr.L for hormone therapy every other month. And I am currently getting all the mercury out of my teeth. It's split up in 4 parts and I just finished part two yesterday. I do that every 2-3 weeks. 

I have not relapsed in two months. Don't get me wrong, I occasionally have days were getting out of bed is not an option. But those are not often. I have way more good days than bad. I haven't had a "pain free" day yet though. Still at about 80% better. My ribs, chest, knees, feet, and spin still bother me. But those might all just be structural issues and adjustments will help that. Plus I'm moving all the time and my body is not used to that! I also deal with little things like ringing in the ear, floaters, headaches... And that can all be connected to the mercury in my mouth. 

I walked a 5k on Thanksgiving day. It was my first 5k ever! I cried and laughed when I finished. Haven't been so proud of myself ever before! 

I'm doing yoga and pilates and going for walks regularly. I'm driving my car. Haven't gone downtown yet or highways... But I'm getting there :) 

Learning little tricks to help with some of the pain still left. Baths are my best friend, no metal, no potatoes or tomatoes. I've been learning breathing technics to help with anxiety and sleeping. I'm sleeping- I take ambien, but I'm sleeping. I've only had a handful of anxiety attacks in the last couple months. I used to have a few a day. I can usually catch the anxiety before it happens and either leave the place or use my new technics. 

I'm learning to enjoy each day. Relapses are totally normal for Lymies. My doctor has told me to be aware of that. And all my Lymie friends have said the same thing. I don't want to relapse nor do I plan on it- because I believe Jesus healed me. But sometimes I let my brain go there and start to worry that the knee pain will get bad enough I need the wheelchair. Or if the headache will turn into a mirgraine and I'll lose my vision. I'm learning to not let fear of what could happen control me. 

Tanner and I are dealing with medical bills. Looking into getting a lawyer to help us cause our insurance won't pay anything from the ER visits or PICC stuff. We are also looking into moving out of my parent's house because I'm doing so much better. Moving out scares me. I'm worried I won't be ready or I'll relapse or have a bad day... But I need to not allow fear of what could happen and live each day as it comes. 

No, I haven't gotten a job or gone back to school. I'm still learning how to do life again. And each day is so unexpected. Like I said, I still have bad days. And I'm learning how to work through anxiety, pain, and such. Some things still irritate me like talking on the phone, going somewhere new, dealing with a long to do list. I'm not stuck with not being able to do those things, I'm learning how to work through them. Baby steps. 

Please keep praying for complete healing. Please also pray for wisdom for Tanner and myself about moving out and medical bills. I'm ready for this season of life to be completely over with and behind us. 

~ "What if I fall?" Oh, but my darling what if you fly.

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