My Foundation

Something people ask me is how I still worship Jesus through all of this. I won't lie, it has rocked my theology, but this disease has not rocked my foundation. 

I mean, I've been prayed over, people have laid hands on me, I've been brought to the pastors, I've been anointed, I've had faith the size of a mustard seed, I've confessed my sins, people have carried me to Jesus... And still nothing, no healing. People have told me to pray harder- so I did. People have told me I didn't have enough faith- so I prayed for more. People have said I was sinning and that's why I'm sick- so I asked Jesus to search my heart. People have said I needed to fast and pray- so I fasted. And still nothing. No healing. Still sick as a dog. 

My senior year of High School I started reading through the Gospels in the New Testament. I did this for a couple of reasons. First off to see who Jesus really was and secondly because I thought I was missing something. People kept telling me how to be healed and it wasn't working. So either I or they had it wrong. 

During this time I landed on John 9 which changed my view of sickness and healing.

"As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, ‘Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?' ‘Neither this man nor his parents sinned,’ said Jesus,‘but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him." John 9:1-3

This chapter goes on to tell how Jesus preformed this miracle on the Sabbath. Which did not make the Pharisees very happy because Jesus wasn't obeying the law.  

This started to lay my foundation, which was stronger than any theological question I had.  

I believe God wants to show His glory through my disease. I don't think I have this disease because I didn't pray hard enough, fast long enough, not confess a sin quick enough, that my faith was too small, or anything like that. I believe I'm sick because God wants to show His glory. Plus, the stuff that God does doesn't always make sense to the world. Jesus started being questioned if He was a sinner because He broke one of the 10 Commandments.  He healed a blind man to show His glory on the Sabbath day. That didn't make sense. God doesn't do well inside of our boxes. 

Something I've come to learn is that being healed on earth is just a temporary change. No matter what happens here on earth I will be healed in Heaven.  To me, keeping my eyes on eternity's healing is so much more important than focusing on the temporary healing here on earth. It gives me hope to know that through all of this I get a new body and no more pain for eternity in Heaven.  That's the real thing and it doesn't compare to this earthly sickness.  

Another part of my foundation is knowing that God did not create Lyme Disease nor did He give it to me. But God is so good, so kind, so merciful, so gracious, Redeemer, Healer, so sufficient, and His grace is enough, that He doesn't waste hurt or pain. God redeems my illness. From the get go my prayer through all of this was that it wouldn't be wasted. "What the enemy meant for evil, God WILL use for HIS glory."  I could sit here and talk for hours about how this already has been happening. It actually makes me cry thinking about how God redeems our toughest situations for His good. That's how kind He is.  

But what I can stand most assuredly in. The reason I open my eyes in the morning and lay in bed peacefully at night. What my whole foundation is complete in.  What I know will never change and has never changed is this: I am loved by Jesus. Nothing can ever change that. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the King of kings loves me. No matter if I go into remission and never have to face Lyme Disease again, or if I get healed tomorrow, or if my Lyme comes back 12 years after treatment, or if the damage of this disease is too permanent- Jesus loves me. Not once have I questioned this or doubted this.  

I don't understand why God heals some people here on earth and why He doesn't heal others. I don't understand why Jesus healed so many people in the Bible. I don't get why He did it all differently. I don't understand theology and how it fits into today's standards. But I do know that God's ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts. I know God does not like to be stuck into a box. I know that if I try to stand in theology I get confused and discouraged. But if I stand in Jesus's love for me and His character I'm hopeful and peaceful. Jesus has never failed me and He never will.  I can say this based off of who He is and the fact that He works differently than me.

My family and I keep saying that our theology has been shaken through all of this, BUT GOD is still good, still kind, still merciful, still Redeemer, and still on the Throne and Jesus is interceding on my behalf.  


Energy Expelled: Took 4 days to write. Used 4 ice packs for achy joints and painful spleen.  Took 3 Epsom salt baths.  Didn't click "save" and lost it all (thank you Lyme brain). And a migraine.  


- "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:35-38