Lost and Looking Forward

Heads up. This post might be a little depressing, but, if I word it right, it should wrap up pretty hopeful. I'm going to be extremely vulnerable now...

Something I've been learning recently is that not only do I have to grieve that which has been taken from me, but I also have to allow myself to grieve. I honestly don't want to think like that though. I don't want to think about all the stuff I'm missing out on. I don't want to think about what Lyme Disease has stolen from me. I don't want to think like I've been a victim of something. 

I mean let's be real... I'm victorious, and courageous, and strong, and more than a conqueror, and a survivor, and an overcomer. But at the same time, I'm so lonely, which goes beyond physically. I'm exhausted and depressed. I'm sad. I'm sad for my husband, my family, my friends, my small group, and me. I'm sad because I can't be all that I'm meant to be right now. I'm sad because I can't do all that a 23 year old "should" do.  I'm sad because I can't do the things others are doing, the things I want to do. 

This might sound silly to some of you but I miss cleaning my bathroom. I miss cooking dinner for myself and my husband. Heck, I miss grocery shopping and meal planning. I miss cleaning out the cat box and remembering to feed her.  I miss having a job and being able to handle school. At this point I want a job and to go to school just to complain about it like everyone else.  I miss being able to simply walk around without having to bring my wheelchair. I miss not having to ask myself if I need the wheelchair. 

Lyme Disease has taken a lot from me. And in the most non-victimized way I say that. I miss having the energy to lead my small group every week. I miss driving. Oh, how I miss rolling my windows down and cranking up Needtobreathe and singing at the top of my lungs. I miss dancing. Dancing in the kitchen with my husband. Going swing dancing. And dancing when I worship. I wasn't made to sit in a chair when I praise Jesus. I was made to dance, and jump, and shout. I miss that. I miss doing yoga. I miss eating food without having to take medicine. I miss reading. Let's be real, I love reading a good book and getting caught up in it. My bookshelf is full of books and my list of books to read is endless. But now I crave to read. I miss dressing up and having a desire to go out with friends. I don't really like my pajamas anymore. I miss hiking. I miss being in those gorgeous Colorado mountains. I miss getting up early and watching the sun rise. I miss playing outside in the snow. I miss decorating my apartment. I miss having my own place with my husband. I miss having people over. I miss learning how to bake. I miss going on walks and getting lost. I really miss hiking. 

I hate it cause my brain is all "yeah, let's go have fun and not care how I'll feel tomorrow." But then my body and motivation are like "nooooo.... Let's find another random t.v. show to watch, put on some yoga pants and snuggle up with ice packs."

I wish I could be there for the girls that I mentor and give them 100%. I wish I could have fun with my husband and go dancing, get a beer, go hiking, be spontaneous, be the YOUNG, newlywed couple that we are. I wish we were a team instead of him as my caregiver and me sick. I wish I could hang out with my small group every week. I wish I didn't feel like my friends and family are just putting up with me. 

I'm grieving all of this. At least I'm trying to. I'm still caught up on the crying part of things. 

*Now enters hope* 

Going through this horrific treatment and trying to beat a deadly disease has changed my perspective on life. I just want to enjoy life now. Live life to the fullest. Remove all ways of stress and enjoy every moment.  I don't want to give myself another reason to have anymore. I want to live life. 

So I started a list. I'm still coming up with a catchy name for it. But, for now, it's "my bucket list for after remission to enjoy life" list.  And I want to share a few of them with you. 

^ Hike a 14er

^ Get a Lyme Disease awareness tattoo

^ Paint 

^ Do the Color Me Rad and Tough Mudder

^ Horseback ride 

^ Go on a road trip where I drive 

^ Learn how to snowboard 

^ Have a photo shoot with my husband 

^ Take a ballet class

^ Ride a 4 wheeler 

^ Get my carrying permit 

^ Go to the shooting range

^ Be a runner

^ Go to that graffiti place in CO 

These are just a few. 

But what I really want to do. What I want to give my life doing is bring hope to the hopeless. I know pain. I know the feeling of wanting to give up. I know losing everything. I know confusion. I know having everything taken. But I also know hope. I know a light that shines brighter than any pain or question or cry or anguish. I know finding purpose when everything seems to be a lost cause. I know hope. And I want to give it away. 

Energy Expelled: I was in a really lonely and low place before I wrote this.  Which made me flare up before hand. Hands and feet hurt. Bad headache. Poor vision. Sweaty hands. Took about 3 hours.  

~ "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep." John 10:10-11