Month 12 (prt 2): Not Mine

Just been living the Lyme life. I thought I was getting better for a couple days last week, but then the past few days haven't really followed suit. I hate that about Lyme Disease. One day tolerable and the next miserable. It's like a surprise each day or sometimes each hour. As my friend just reminded me there are lots of corners to turn along the way to recovery. 

Recently I've started experiencing symptoms I haven't in a while. I feel like I have no control over my body with random jerks, twitches, spasms, feeling like dead weight and I can't move. My feet have also been burning and my skin has been turning bright red and feels like needles being stabbed in it. Spleen pain and chest pain is getting bad. My anxiety is through the roof too. Like paranoid anxiety. Freaking spirochetes in my brain. 

A couple days ago I called Dr.N and he switched stuff up again. This is like the third change to my protocol this month. We think I'm flairing bartonella now. My babesia symptoms have started to calm down a little, but my bartonella symptoms are flairing now. Which can be viewed as a good thing cause that means it's active and we can attack it. 

I'm not infusing right now because Dr.N wants to see how I am without it, see if I can maintain. I'll find out in about a week if I get my PICC line pulled or not. I'm really nervous about that to be honest. My biggest concern is that it'll get pulled and I'll need it again soon. And it costs about $4000 to place. But I know every day it's in, my chances of an infection get higher. I mean God has so protected me the past almost 6 months with no real concerns. Which is amazing. PICC lines don't usually last that long with no real issues. The worst is that my skin is completely done with the line in and dressing over it. 

Lately I've been super discouraged like to the point where I'm concerned something else is wrong, that I'll never get better, that there is too much damage, that this is it. I feel like this battle is too much for me and I'm not strong enough to beat it. 

And I was reminded by Jesus that it's not my battle to win, but His. He wants to fight for me. He wants to make the impossible possible. He wants to show off. He wants to overcome every obstical in my path.  He wants to show His glory. That's just who He is. 

"... This is what the Lord says: Do not be afraid! Don’t be discouraged by this mighty army, for the battle is not yours, but God’s. Tomorrow, march out against them. You will find them coming up through the ascent of Ziz at the end of the valley that opens into the wilderness of Jeruel. But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out against them tomorrow, for the Lord is with you!” - 2 Chronicles 20:15-17

Determined and hopeful. Those are my words. I don't let my mind think anything less than healing. I don't know what that looks like or the time frame but I know I'll achieve it one day. I have to. No other option. I'm a warrior and a fighter. I don't give up and I don't expect the worst. I know that God's plans for me are for good and for me to prosper and have a future. I have no idea what that looks like, but I trust God knows and they are good. Basically, I refuse to let Lyme Diseaae beat me. I have too many promises from The Lord. 

Prayer Requests:

• That it will be evidently clear to Dr.N to pull PICC or not

• Lots of favor from our insurance company to start paying for treatment. For them to repay us what they've called "medically unnecessary" and for them to get on board with further treatment

• Peace 

~ "When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory. And I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me. And  oh, how He loves us so."

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