One Year Down

A year ago today I was rolling over after a terrible nights sleep. I didn't actually sleep though. I moaned and groaned and cried out in pain most of the night. Terrible lower back pain and stabbing pain in my chest. I remember I had tried to wake Tanner up, but he was fast asleep. I didn't really try that hard though because I had no energy. 

The week before I was diagnosed with cellulitis (a bacterial infection that goes under multiple layers of skin and inflames your skin and makes it itch- a deep itch that doesn't go away). I had an allergic reaction to the medication and went back to Urgent Care two days later. I was then put on a different abx which helped, but then, once I finished the dosage, I got very sick. Come to find out later I was herxing from the abx. 

It was a Sunday and I was sick and "woke up" sick the next morning. Tanner had to go to work so mom picked me up to take me to my nutritionist. I was not supossed to see Dr.N till February. Mom and I were gonna meet with a lady that morning who sees Dr.N to learn more about LD. Mom called her to inform her that we couldn't meet cause I was in more pain than ever and we were on our way to the ER. 

About 15 min later she calls back to inform me she got me an appointment with Dr.N that day. She was gonna give me her appt for the following week, but when she called the office she was told someone just canceled their appt and I could have it- that day! We had to leave within 30 min though to get there in time. We ran home to print off the paperwork, picked up Tanner and were on our way to an appt that would forever change my life. 

I remember the car ride was bad. 2 hours on the highway in the back of my Subaru with ice packs on me. I moaned and groaned and yelled and cried in pain the whole way there. 

After I explained my life away Dr.N confirmed what I already new- Chronic Lyme Disease and coinfections. I was textbook Lyme. From the biggest of pains to the randomest of symptoms- I am a Lymie. 

I left feeling so many emotions. I wanted to smile because I finally had an answer. I wanted to cry because I knew this journey wasn't going to be daisies and sunflowers. And I wanted to laugh because it's ridiculous how I had been failed by all the other doctors before him.

This year has down right sucked. Actually that word doesn't even come close to describing it. It's been hell.  We moved in with my parents because of financial stress, and didn't move out because Tanner needed help taking care of me. I haven't worked or gone to school. I spent weeks at a time having to be carried anywhere. I spent night after night screaming and crying out in pain. I had gone long periods of times only seeing my parents, brother and husband. Taking over 40 pills a day. Got a PICC line put in. Infused for 6 hours a day at some points. 

When I think about this year I just want to cry. Happy tears and sad tears. Sad tears because of the unrelenting pain, sleepless nights that turned into weeks, all that I missed out on, and all that LD put me and those around me through. And happy tears because God is faithful. He hasn't left or abandoned or forgotten me. His love is powerful, His peace is strong, and His grace is sufficent. 

Loneliness. That's been the hardest part. Seeing people having fun and enjoying life is hard. Laying in bed when everyone else is adding to society is depressing. If it weren't for the people I live with or a couple dear friends I would have gone weeks without talking to anyone. I've "lost" friends and family because of how this disease has affected me. People don't get it and take it personal. I'm sad about the relationships that have been stolen and stopped by LD. I miss people. 

It's hard to think what I was doing a year ago. Going to school, babysitting/nannying, living in our apartmet, hanging out with family and friends constantly, taking yoga and water aerobics classes, leading a small group every week, going to church every week... Compared to this? Downright sucks. I miss life. 

I talk about the pain and torture not because I dwell on it but because I want to help people understand. I want the truth of this nasty disease to get out there. I want people who feel stuck in an undiagnosed or misdiagnosed sickness to not feel alone. I want this ugly thing to be brought to light and stop stealing hope and lives. It's for education. 

But the things I've learned outweigh all that crap. I know, beyond a shadow of doubt, that Jesus adores me. The people that have stuck through this with me, even when I thought I was mentally crazy, mean so much to me. They amaze me for loving me through this. When I meet people who's doctors have been given up on them and I can tell them about LD is rewarding. Being a part of this world has opened my eyes to so much more. 

I'm able to relate with people in a way no one else can, unless you've had a chronic disease. I've learned how to completely trust my Savior through medical bills, symptoms, dr. visits, tests, this whole year. 

Thank you to all of you that brought a meal, dropped off flowers, visited me, texted me constantly (even when the answers didn't change), reminded me of Truth and my remission party, gave me a spoon, and stayed by me on the darkest of days. You've kept me going. 

Being diagnosed has completely changed my life. Not only did it give me an answer to symptoms but it's given me something to fight for... Or against. I fight for my life. And I fight for other's lives. This disease has stolen too much from me, other Lymies, those misdiagnosed and undiagnosed. 

When I think of this past year I think of the word "fight". Fight for my life. And for my future. Fight for those who have no medical answers. Fight against insurance companies. Fight for treatment. Fight for remission. Fight for life! 

Giving up is not an option. 

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