Thursday, May 15, 2014

Month 8: My Job

My job. What is my job in all of this? I watch people finishing up their degrees in college. Some of my dear friends are amazing mamas. People are going to work: part time, full time, two part times. My newsfeed on Facebook has people talking about job interviews. I watch Tanner and my dad go to work everyday. I watch my mom go to work some days. And I watch my brother work and go to school. 

And what do I do? My days aren't filled with work or school or parenting. I'm not waiting on a job interview or test score or running errands. My chore list is a mile long cause I'm not crossing anything off of it. When people ask to come see me I have to plan ahead and make sure I have rest days in between. I'll do one load of laundry and my mom or Tanner finishes it. My cat is supossed to get half a scoop of food morning and night, and to be honest, if my mom or Tanner doesn't feed her she's not eating. Unless she comes and bites and paws at me in the afternoon. My bathroom normally gets cleaned every other week - and that's generally by Tanner after he's just worked a 60 hour week. 

I spend most of my days on the couch or in my bed cause my legs hurt too bad. Planning out my meds and when to eat and when I can't. Calling for whoever is home to fill my water up. After I do my IV medicine in the late afternoon I'm done for the evening. Practically useless. To the point people are carrying me to bed, fetching my heating pads and ice packs, bringing me pain meds, and basically doing everything for me. 

Sometimes, on the weird occasion, I'll go on a date with Tanner (doesn't last long), go to my bible study, have a friend come visit or get my own lunch (I don't make anything. Just warm it up). 

I sometimes, rarely, have tolerable days that I have to pay for later cause I overdid it trying to enjoy the day. Which basically means I just did something. Like the other night we took our moms out for Mother's Day dinner. Went to a quiet, small restaurant. I made it about an hour then had a terrible evening and today is pretty rough. Tanner and I are celebrating our 2 year anniversary this weekend and I blocked out the days before and after to rest. I actually just canceled on two friends for next week cause I'm super stressed out and sick. 

I feel terrible canceling on people, having my family do a lot for me, complaining about my symptoms- just not being human. I feel lazy. Which is absurd, I know, cause I'm doing everything I possibly can! 

So what's my job? 

To rest. Give myself grace. And not feel guilty for it. 

I need to remember I am doing the best I can. I have an amazing husband  and mom and dad and brother who kindly and lovingly help me. They act like Chik-Fil-A people with a "my pleasure" attitude. And I need to be thankful for that and not feel bad for it. 

When my mom finishes my laundry cause I can only put one load in, I should be thankful for her and not feel guilty. When my husband gets my meds ready and carries me to bed, I should feel loved instead of like a nuisance. When my brother fills up my water bottle cause I'm too tired, I should feel blessed instead of lazy. When I cancel on my friends coming over cause I'm too sick, I should feel spoiled that they'll even reschedule and are so understanding. 

When I rest I'm getting better. The more I rest the quicker to remission I'll be and the sooner we'll all be dancing at my healed party! I need to remember this is not my forever and I'm doing the best I can. I'm not just resting, I'm healing and fighting for my life. 

If you're a Lyme Warrior- YOU are doing a fabulous job! Keep fighting. You're an inspiration, warrior, and fighter. Keep up the fight. It's gonna be worth it. 

Energy Expelled: My lower back and spine feels like death. My chest hurts. I have a massive headache. My legs, hands, and feet are burning. My eyesights going. I'm running a fever. My spleen pain is almost unbearable. I'm naseous. I don't feel too swell. 


~ "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls" 



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