And If Not, He Is Still Good

I was hoping this post would just be filled with the awesome things that I have been doing. All the life I've been living and celebrating and adventures I've been on. 

But I have some not so great news. I was debating on what to share first and decided to get the bad news out of the way and then focus on the great stuff. 

Today I saw my LLMD and found out Babesia has returned. Is it a relapse, or did Tanner give it to me or did it come out of hiding? Who knows. I'm back on Babesia treatment for the next month. Hopefully that will really be the end of this. 

I'm processing. I'm a little mad. But to be honest, I'm not surprised. I have a few symptoms I'd rather not live with. Headaches, ringing in the ears, rib pain, and chest pain. It's better than it's ever been, but not 100%. 

Tanner will start treatment in a couple weeks so I'll be safe on treatment till he can start. Then this sharing nonsense can end ;) so maybe it's by God's grace I'm on treatment till Tanner starts. Protect me from getting it worse till Tanner gets cleared up. 

God is still good

I've resolved that no matter what happens God is good, I'm loved by the King of kings, and my world has not changed. My hope is in Jesus, so I can never be hopeless. God has not failed me and He won't start now. 

I used to watch this tv show when I was sick. The girl had leukemia and was going through treatment. She got better and went into remission, started living life then she relapsed.  In the show she said something about being stupid for thinking it was gone. 

I'm not going to think like that. Instead I'm choosing joy. How blessed am I to get to rely on God's strength and watch Him move mountains. How sweet that my life is dependent on God's grace. How beautiful is it that I get to keep learning about God's character. 

Now that that's out of the way... 

I got a part-time job. My mom, best friend and husband threw me a "something beautiful" party. And I did a Spartan race this past weekend. Best part... I feel the best I have ever felt in my life! 

I currently work as an Administrative Assistant at my church. I adore my job. I love waking up with a purpose. I love earning a paycheck. I love what I do and who I work for. It's just perfect. Jesus was so involved with me getting that! 

So I had this dance party... I wore a bright lime green dress and danced for almost 3 hours. My friends and family came to celebrate with me. When I was my sickest this was the party I dreamt about and waited for. I used to say, "Mom, you promise when I feel better we'll dance?" And she promised. So here it was. My dance party. Celebrating that I made it through the darkest of nights. I didn't want to call it a remission party cause I believed God healed me. I still do believe God healed me. 

This was the best party ever. 

This past weekend I did a Spartan Sprint.  4.9 miles and 20 obstacles. I had so much fun and can't wait to do another. I carried heavy things and jumped walls and swung from a rope and did burpees... And a lot more. I crossed the finish line covered in mud, with tears in my eyes, and wished it wasnt over yet. 

Being told I have Babesia again doesn't change the fact that I've moved out, gotten a job, danced for almost 3 hours, and did a Spartan race. And now I'm training for a half marathon. 

Can I challenge you? 

Don't live life waiting for the next shoe to drop. That's not going to stop the bad from happening. And when crap does happen your world has not changed. You are still adored by Jesus. You are still more than a conqueror. And you are victorious. 

Life is like a video game. Each level gets harder. But when you conquer that level you move up. You get another super power or more tokens or a gift. It wasn't wasted. When challenges come, overcome them, don't get stuck in them. Challenges are your opportunity to get closer to Jesus, grow and learn. 

So bring it. I'm ready to destroy the last bit of Lyme in my body. Bring on the treatment. Cause I know that the finish line is close. It couldn't kill me the first time, it won't kill me this time. Plus I'm even stronger than before. 

"This is my fight song, take back my life song." 

I Want To Be A Hat

"It's like all my life everybody keeps telling me that I'm a shoe. You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe! But what if I don't want to be a shoe anymore? Maybe I'm a purse, or a hat... I don't want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a hat! It's a metaphore, daddy!" 

This quote is from the TV show 'Friends'. Rachel was explaining to her dad why she's wanting to get a job and doesn't need his money anymore. She had just left her fiancé at the alter and had never had a job or done life on her own. 

I can relate so much to this. 

There have been a few changes in my life recently and it has kinda freaked me out. All I know is being the "sick one". I know basing all my decisions off my health and how I'm going to feel. I know pills and making a schedule for food/pills/IV infusions/sleep. I know physical pain and mental torture. I know how to be sick. 

But that's not who I am anymore. I'm not in a wheelchair. I can take showers on my own and get dressed alone. I'm not in constant mental and physical pain. I'm capable, confident, and independent. 

I feel like I'm rerouting my brain. Figuring out what I like and what I don't like. And finding my limits and trying to push them. I've relied on things and pills and people for so long I'm learning my strengths and capabilities. 

Sometimes I feel like a fish trying to climb a tree. I haven't really done life healthy before. Basically I was constantly waiting for the next shoe to drop and not knowing how long it would last before it did drop. 

But that's not who I am anymore.

I'm not that person. 

I'm not defined by sickness or disease. I'm not wasting away. I'm not stuck at a red light or watching life pass me by. I'm fully capable, confident, and getting healthier by the minute. My life is not controlled by my health.

Seriously, this is the craziest concept to me. I look at pre treatment Rebekah- nope I'm not her. I look at during treatment Rebekah- I'm nothing like her. I'm a whole new person. 

And I like the new me. Funny thing is I'm still learning who the new me even is. 

I've been having to fight through fears and anxieties with continuing to be healthy, medical bills, and coming back into the world. I hate medical bills. It amazes me how we get bills almost 6 months after the ER visits. 

Some nights ago I was worrying about bills. I was closing off and wanting to hide in my own world and focus on the problem. Tanner was praying with me, trying to get me out of the apartment for a date, and being super encouraging. But I just couldn't get out of the stressed out cloud. 

When finally it hit me- is this really how I want to live my life? Do I really want it to be moments before Jesus calls me home and look back and see all the time I stressed and feared? Look back in my life and think "Rebekah, you should have trusted God more. Claimed more peace. And rested in God's promises. Instead you let anxiety ruin time with your husband. You let fears stop you from creating wonderful memories. You stressed instead of living the abundant life." 

Someone I know's mom died a couple weeks ago after a long, hard battle with cancer. She truly is the definition of a warrior. She went to be with Jesus at too young an age. I hate cancer. My Granny went to dance with her Savior at a young age because of cancer as well. She's an inspiration to me. I also recently read a post on one of my Lyme Awarness pages were someone lost their son, 19 years old, to Lyme Disease. This hits too close to home. I hate Lyme Disease. 

For some reason I'm still here and I'm still kicking. Lyme Disease didn't take my life. And now I want to live well. I want to enjoy my days and not rob my husband of a joyful evening because of stress. I don't want to take good memories from my family because of fear. And I don't want to steal evenings filled with laughter and friends because of anxiety. I want to live well and soak up as much of life as I can. 

For Sue. 

For Granny.

For my fellow Lyme Warrior. 

Don't let feeling inadequate in your daily journey, and being uncertain of the days to come, and feeling crushed on all sides ruin your moments. Don't let it steal your joy, laughter, memories, and relationships. Life is too precious to let fear, anxiety and stress rob us of the beauty around us. 

As I enter back into society I'm going to give myself lots of grace. I'm also going to remind myself that I've come so far from where I used to be. I'll remind myself that stress won't get me anywhere, but laughter gives good memories. And I'm not going to force myself to climb a tree if I'm a fish. But maybe I'm not a fish, maybe I'm a lion. Or an eagle. Or a leapord. Either way I'm going to enjoy finding out. 

|Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved piece, but to slide across the finish line broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out, leaking oil, and shouting GERONIMO!!!|

 

Something Beautiful

Sometimes I'll go a majority of the day and realize I haven't eaten anything (yay for having abdominal pain and no appetite). But I drink water like my life depends on it. I love water. I'm pretty sure I dream about water. And when I can't eat, all I want is food and all the food in the world. Bad food and good food. 

Why in the world am I telling you about my addiction to water and feelings towards food? 

Cause I'm crazy. 

For real. 

Naw, I'm kidding. But not really ;) 

I'm having a couple ultrasounds done today and can't eat or drink for 8 hours. I'm literally sitting here on the couch, typing away, thinking about water and what I'll eat around 3:45 today, after my appointment. 

I still have a lot of upper and lower abdominal pain and rib/chest pain. I also deal with too high of testosterone and too low of progesterone. I get nauseous/lightheaded/fatigued pretty easily and too often. 

So I'm getting some tests done to see what's going on. It could be my body still recouping after Lyme Disease or a whole different problem. I'm hoping its a different problem. A fixable, easy, painless problem. 

I think a lot of Chronically Ill folks can relate to the desire of wanting something to come back on medical tests. Like being told "everything looks fine" is discouraging. If you can't relate to this just imagine being in pain 24/7 and no one knowing why. Or better yet, imagine being in pain 24/7 and being told you're disease-free, but you're body is still working something out. So just wait it out. 

It's discouraging to say the least. 

I hate being in pain. Along with water, I also dream about not having a medical symptom for 10 min. Don't get me wrong, I'm WAAAAAY better than I was a year ago. Heck, I'm better than I was 6 months ago. But, I'd rather not live like this. 

My hormone doctor did some blood work and it came back "good". And now we are going to try some ultrasounds. I see my LLMD on Monday and I'm

sure he'll be able to help me. 

I'm really struggling with where I am in life right now. I absolutely adore living with my husband in our apt, where I can touch all our wedding gifts and enjoy one another. But this still isn't where I wanted to be at 24. Chronically ill, not able to go to school or hold a job and living in an apt with my cat and husband with medical bills coming in, what feels like every other day. I had this perfect image in my head of being a missionary either in a 3rd world country or on the streets of NYC. IF I got married I wanted to have babies early on in marriage and have so many I'd forget their names ;) but not really.  

I'm not saying any of this for ya'll to feel bad for me or for a great deal of sympathy. I just want to be honest and I know others deal with the same thing. I want someone to read this and, even just for a moment, know they are not alone and their feelings are shared. 

You see, I know God will be glorified in and through this. I know my pain and suffering isn't in vain or a waste. I know this fight isn't for fun or God making a joke. I know there is a reason. There has to be a reason. Sometimes I just wish the reason could be seen now. Because being young and sick - the kind of sick that takes over your life for months and years- sucks. And is depressing and lonely. 

One of my favorite songs ever is "Something Beautiful" by Needtobreathe. My favorite band in the whole world. Part of the Lyrics go like this: 

"Hey now, this is my desire

Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful to touch me, I know that I'm in reach

'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful" 

I'm waiting. In hope and in desperation. I'm waiting for my something beautiful. And while I wait, while I breathe, I hope. I know God will be victorious and I am more than a conqueror. 

It's not that I'm not living somewhere crazy. It's not that I'm not a mom. It's not even that I didn't finish my bachelor's degree or that I don't have a job. It's that I'm here, on the couch, with a heating pad... 

But you know what? My story is not in vain. My pain has a purpose. And my life is of value. I'm part of a world many don't get to experience. I'm part of a community of some of the toughest fighters on the planet.  

I was just telling Tanner last night how now that I've seen I'm responsible. How spoiled am I that God blessed me with a big mouth and heart and dreams. He made me mighty for war. And even though I'm currently fighting my personal battle and getting through this dirty mess... One day I'll be able to be a bigger voice for the people fighting their personal battle. 

My something beautiful is knowing that even as I wait... I'm still an advocate. 

This isn't the life I dreamed of or what was "supposed" to happen. But how sweet of Jesus to give me hope. And how sweet of God to see the bigger picture and know my current battle is going to be worth it. My suffering isn't a waste. Your suffering isn't a waste. Our suffering isn't a waste. We are part of a story much bigger than ourselves. A story that's totally worth it. No matter how it ends. 

~ My heart will stay steadfast, I know that You are good.

Moving On

I can't believe we are moving tomorrow morning. As I'm attempting to pack up the little bedroom Tanner, our cat, and I stayed in over the past 17 months I can't help but cry. Happy tears, sad tears, overwhelmed tears... Lots of tears. 

17 months ago Tanner and I moved in with my parents because he was applying to be a state patrol and we overlapped 3 months of our lease being up and state patrol school starting. Little did we know Tanner would decline his acceptance because I was going to become extremely ill. 

I remember the week of us moving like it was yesterday. I was having health problems a couple weeks before we moved. We moved on a Sunday and the Monday before I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease. The day we moved I sat in the corner curled up in a ball- sick as a dog. 

Tanner had to make the hard decision 3 months later to decline his acceptance into state patrol. He did this because he wanted our marriage to be first and to fight for me. Who knew 3 months of waiting turned into 17 months of sickness. 

I'm so thrilled to have my own space with my husband- but I'm also terrified. I mean the last time I tried moving out I moved back in and stayed there cause I got so sick. I'm worried about relapsing. But I'm learning I can't make all future decisions based off fear of the unknown. 

Lyme Disease is something I've lived with and I'm going to live with. I believe Jesus healed me. Does this mean permanently or just for now? I don't know. I know relapsing happens and isn't uncommon. But I also know God is good and is going to take care of me. He always has and always will. 

Tanner and I lived with my parents for 17 months and lived on our own for 16  months... We have had quite the journey in almost 3 years. I love my husband more than words can express. 

My parents are the most incredible people. How many people take in their daughter and son in law and bless their socks off for a year and a half? The fact that they were able to help us amazes me. I'm so beyond thankful they were in a position to help us at our lowest point. I have absolutely no idea what we would have done without their support and love. We needed them and there they were. My parents served us and took such good care of us. Made an awful situation a tolerable one. They made us laugh when death felt tangible. They cried with us when we couldn't find hope. They stayed up super late to make sure I was okay. They did our chores and cooked meals and did laundry. They prayed with us when life was too hard. Drove me to Dr appts and made sure I ate and took my meds. They were never too busy for us and put us first. They may not have known what exactly to do... But they did it. They kept me alive. 

My parents were Jesus with skin on and we couldn't be more thankful for their generosity. They deserve lots of jewels in their crowns in heaven. 

I feel like I'm leaving a season of life. I'm still grieving it though. Trying to learn how to deal with feeling better, but not 100%. Trying to learn my boundaries and keep my health #1. Trying to fight for peace and be content with where I am. 

I feel like the demon of Lyme Disease stole a chunk of my days. But Jesus is restoring 10 fold and showing me the beauty in the life I have. 

~ Life takes us to unexpected places, but love brings us home. 

It Is Well

Last night Tanner and I had the privilege to share our testimony (dating to present) with a youth group. We also got to be a part of a prayer and worship time and watch our young adults small group pray over, worship with, speak Scripture and share with these youth. 

My heart is so full. 

The past couple years there were many times I wanted to give up. I wanted to throw in the towel and be done. Sickness, marriage, small group, relationships - it was all too much. I felt like I couldn't do everything in front of me well. To be honest I felt like I was merely surviving. 

When I look back on the ecstatic, happy, and in-love couple three years ago (to this day) who just got engaged; they had no idea. No clue that the wife was going to be deathly ill. That they'd move into the bride's parents house. That the husband would have to give up dreams and goals. That their vision of a cute little house with a dog and a baby would become tainted. That for a while they would merely survive with no end date, no forecast of the future, no medical promise, just hold on tight and push through. 

I was able to go to one of Tanner's classes this past year. I remember someone asked the pastor,"what do you do if you can't take anything off your plate? And it just keeps piling up and you have to do all of it. What do you do?"

The pastor replied,"you just get through it. You hold on tight and you push through."

You stand. 

"A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm." (Eph 6:10-13) 

Recently Tanner and I were reading through Ephesians 5 together and I broke out into tears. How blessed am I that I married a man who would lay his life down for me and love me the way Christ loves His church. A man that would lay aside dreams and goals to fight for me, fight for our marriage, and fight for his relationship with Christ. 

If any of you have Lyme Disease or live with someone who has it, you probably understand how completely difficult it is to live with us. Irrational, hormonal, depressed, illogical, easily angered and upset. Not able to do anything outside of dr appts and meds and being a nurse. For like a year Tanner spent every night he came home from work on the couch with me swapping out heating pads and ice packs. Comforting my tears. Throwing me in the bath tub. And carrying me around everywhere. And he did all of this with no end in sight. 

He loved me and layed his life down for me. He didn't complain about it. He never told me he wanted out. Even when people told him to leave me cause no one would judge him or blame him. Even when people "counseled" him to leave me for a few months to follow his dreams - he didn't. He stood next to me, and loved me and fought for me. (Thank you to those of you who gave us wise counsel and encouraged us. We love you) 

Last night as I looked around the room  my heart was so satisfied. Listening to Tanner do what he loves and pouring into other people's lives. Being rejoiced and celebrated with in my health and our marriage. Watching my small group pour into these youths lives. This same small group that Tanner and I "led" when we had nothing in us and they gave us life and helped carry us through the muddy pit. 

I like this side of life. I like being able to say "we made it". My heart wouldn't be so full and life wouldn't be so sweet if I hadn't walked through hell though. 

Ladies, hold out for a man that you know, without a showdow of doubt, that when life gets hard (cause it will) he will stand. Hold out for a man that will love you and lay his life down for you. My husband is my best friend. We walked through hell and back together. And what we have now makes the journey worth it. You're worth a man that will do the same to you. Why? Because your Jesus already has done that for you. 

~ "In times of affliction we commonly meet with the sweetest experiences of the love of God." 

John Bunyan

Month 16(prt 1): I'm Okay In God

About a week and a half ago I received the best news of my life. I still can't believe it happened. 

On Monday, January 19th I saw my LLMD for my appointment. I told him how I still have some pain in my esophagus/chest/stomach/ribs/spin. I also told him about the little things like ringing in my ears, floaters, and headaches. We talked about how most of this was probably due to the mercury in my body and due to having low progesterone. I was pretty sure I still had some babesia floating around and would need more treatment for that booger. 

I sat on the bed and he did some testing. As I was getting off the bed a little later he kinda gave me a smile. Still thinking nothing of it Dr.N and I walked back to his desk to discuss the results... 

"Well, babesia isn't showing up. Actually, as a matter of fact, nothing is showing up. No bartonella, borrelia, yeast... So you're not on anything like that."

It took me a minute to catch up with what he just said. I looked at Tanner, who was blankly staring at Dr.N. I looked at mom who was tearing up and smiling brightly. 

Dr.N continued with telling me I still have mercury and need to get that out (I start the detox tonight) and he informed me that the chest/esophagus pain is emotional and I need to see Dr.L for N.E.T. 

There were so many questions I wanted to ask him, but couldn't get out of my mouth. I left knowing I see him in two months, I'm doing a mercury detox and he hopes my next appointment is my last one. 

I was able to ask why I still have some symptoms and he said sometimes it takes the body a bit to catch up. He told me to continue with the next protocol plan and we'll touch base in a couple months. Hoping those last bit of symptoms go away and are not permanent damage. 

Many Lymie's get discouraged by this. Being told they are lyme-free but still experience some issues. Maybe I should feel this way, but I'm not.  I'm over the moon that I beat Lyme's butt. If my Jesus can heal me of a "life or death" situation I'm sure a few symptoms aren't too big for Him. 

So what's next? What a question that is. What's next? Well, I'm driving alone. I'm driving to Denver (1 1/2 hours) alone. I'm driving up the mountain alone. I went on a 4 day road trip with my husband and friends this past weekend. I started training for a half marathon. I took my phsyco cat to the vet alone. I got a tattoo. I started helping schedule teachers for Sunday School. Oh, and we're looking at moving out. After 16 months of living with my parents, having everything we own in storage, being codependent, and not really feeling married- we're moving out! Still looking for a place, but I know Jesus has the perfect place for us. I'm living life and thinking about planning a "Healed" party- not "remission". Dance and celebrate with those of you that fought this out with me.  

I'm still resting in and focusing on and choosing God's peace. I'm learning to not wait for the next shoe to drop. I'm enjoying my new life. I'm learning who I am. Most of my life has been revolved around me and the sickness and my limitations and my health. But now I'm not defined by those things. So I'm figuring out what I like, who I am, what I don't like. I'm learning that no matter  what happens I'm okay because God has me. My circumstances don't define if I'm okay or not. I'm okay no matter what my circumstance is- because God has me.  

If I could give one piece of advice to people trying to overcome a disease/illness it would be to want to be healthy more than you are fearful of it. Don't focus on the next shoe to drop. Don't think of yourself as that sickness. Don't worry about the future and what could happen. Focus on the here and now. Live today for what it's worth. Focus on being healthy and the prophecy God has given you. You are not the disease. You are God's beloved child. Want it more than you're afraid of it. 

I have the choice to worry if I have permanent damage, or if my ability to be pregnant is shot, or if I'll relapse, or if certain symptoms will ever go away. Sometimes I fail in this, but I try to always choose trust. Trusting that Abba has me, trusting that I'm safe in His hands. Trusting that He has me so I'm okay.  

~ "Sometimes the people around you won't understand your journey. They don't need to, it's not for them" 

Beauty In Depression

Yes, I'm still feeling better. Yes, I'm driving, getting up each day and doing life. I'm not in a wheelchair or house ridden. But I still deal with some symptoms. I'm still fighting babesia and borellia (mainly in the mercury of my teeth). 

There is something else I still fight through. Something I hate talking about, acknowledging, or letting people know. Something I don't think people understand unless they've dealt with it. Something I have no control over. Something I'm embarrassed that people know about me. 

If any of you know me outside of my blog you'd agree that I'm a joyful, happy, bubbly person. I like people and having adventures. I like making memories and laughing. I love being with friends and playing loud obnoxious games. I love life. 

I still deal with depression and anxiety. It's not always because of a certain situation. It's not because I'm in a fearful state or deep sadness. It's because I have very low progestrone (menopausal low) and this affects my brain. It's out of my control and is irrational. 

There is nothing to talk through. There is nothing wrong. No one said or did anything. I'm not mad or hurt. I'm rational enough to realize I'm being irrational. I just want to lay in bed and watch Gilmore Girls, cry a little, eat chocolate, and wear pjs. 

Depression is a stupid thing. I see it as the ocean. Waves to be exact. They come and go. Some are small and some big. Some last a long time and others are short. I went a few months with no problems then woke up about a week ago just wanting to introvert and cry for no reason. Nothing happened. Nothing is wrong. But everything is wrong. 

I used to think something was messed up with me. That I didn't love or trust Jesus. That I was doing something wrong or that I was mentally crazy. Being able to accept that I struggle with depression was a big deal. People saying comments to me like "Jesus is your antidepressant", "Do you have faith the size of a mustard seed?", "You're sinning. That's why you're sick", "You just don't have enough faith", "Snap out of it", "You just want attention", makes it worse. 

I wish it was a choice. I wish I could ignore it and pretend it wasn't there. I wish I could find the "problem" and let it go. But it doesn't work that way. It's an imbalance that I have absolutely no control over. 

Yes, I've prayed about it, gotten prayer, fasted, and surrendered it to Jesus. But His response has always been to me "My grace is enough and sufficient for you." God's grace is enough for me. 

I've come to learn the sweet side of depression (now I bet you all think I'm crazy). I've learned that when I'm out of control God brings order.  I've learned that in the darkest nights I meet with the sweetest embrace of Jesus. I've learned you can love Jesus had still have a thorn in your side. I've learned that sometimes when life sucks it's not because you've done something wrong but because Jesus wants His glory to be known. I love how Jesus has comforted me, shown me truth, and met me right where I am- irrational and all. I've come to know His love and faithfulness so much deeper. Those that have been given much grace and love can extend much grace and love. The darkest of times end with the sweetest of moments with my Jesus. 

I can't even begin to tell you the amount of people I've met that deal with depression or anxiety. People that are too afraid to say so because they are worried someone is going to tell them Jesus should be their antidepressant. Too worried that people will try to solve a problem where there is no problem. Worried that people will judge and give their 2 cents, even though they don't get it. 

If you deal with depression you are not alone. You haven't done something wrong to deserve this. It's okay to occasionally need time to breathe and introvert. People don't always get it and take it personal- that's not your problem. You're loved, despite depression. 

If you know someone that deals with depression- love them, don't take it personal, and don't try to fix them. Let them know you're there for them through the ups and downs. And don't assume you know better for them. Encourage and love.