It Is Well

Last night Tanner and I had the privilege to share our testimony (dating to present) with a youth group. We also got to be a part of a prayer and worship time and watch our young adults small group pray over, worship with, speak Scripture and share with these youth. 

My heart is so full. 

The past couple years there were many times I wanted to give up. I wanted to throw in the towel and be done. Sickness, marriage, small group, relationships - it was all too much. I felt like I couldn't do everything in front of me well. To be honest I felt like I was merely surviving. 

When I look back on the ecstatic, happy, and in-love couple three years ago (to this day) who just got engaged; they had no idea. No clue that the wife was going to be deathly ill. That they'd move into the bride's parents house. That the husband would have to give up dreams and goals. That their vision of a cute little house with a dog and a baby would become tainted. That for a while they would merely survive with no end date, no forecast of the future, no medical promise, just hold on tight and push through. 

I was able to go to one of Tanner's classes this past year. I remember someone asked the pastor,"what do you do if you can't take anything off your plate? And it just keeps piling up and you have to do all of it. What do you do?"

The pastor replied,"you just get through it. You hold on tight and you push through."

You stand. 

"A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm." (Eph 6:10-13) 

Recently Tanner and I were reading through Ephesians 5 together and I broke out into tears. How blessed am I that I married a man who would lay his life down for me and love me the way Christ loves His church. A man that would lay aside dreams and goals to fight for me, fight for our marriage, and fight for his relationship with Christ. 

If any of you have Lyme Disease or live with someone who has it, you probably understand how completely difficult it is to live with us. Irrational, hormonal, depressed, illogical, easily angered and upset. Not able to do anything outside of dr appts and meds and being a nurse. For like a year Tanner spent every night he came home from work on the couch with me swapping out heating pads and ice packs. Comforting my tears. Throwing me in the bath tub. And carrying me around everywhere. And he did all of this with no end in sight. 

He loved me and layed his life down for me. He didn't complain about it. He never told me he wanted out. Even when people told him to leave me cause no one would judge him or blame him. Even when people "counseled" him to leave me for a few months to follow his dreams - he didn't. He stood next to me, and loved me and fought for me. (Thank you to those of you who gave us wise counsel and encouraged us. We love you) 

Last night as I looked around the room  my heart was so satisfied. Listening to Tanner do what he loves and pouring into other people's lives. Being rejoiced and celebrated with in my health and our marriage. Watching my small group pour into these youths lives. This same small group that Tanner and I "led" when we had nothing in us and they gave us life and helped carry us through the muddy pit. 

I like this side of life. I like being able to say "we made it". My heart wouldn't be so full and life wouldn't be so sweet if I hadn't walked through hell though. 

Ladies, hold out for a man that you know, without a showdow of doubt, that when life gets hard (cause it will) he will stand. Hold out for a man that will love you and lay his life down for you. My husband is my best friend. We walked through hell and back together. And what we have now makes the journey worth it. You're worth a man that will do the same to you. Why? Because your Jesus already has done that for you. 

~ "In times of affliction we commonly meet with the sweetest experiences of the love of God." 

John Bunyan

Month 16(prt 1): I'm Okay In God

About a week and a half ago I received the best news of my life. I still can't believe it happened. 

On Monday, January 19th I saw my LLMD for my appointment. I told him how I still have some pain in my esophagus/chest/stomach/ribs/spin. I also told him about the little things like ringing in my ears, floaters, and headaches. We talked about how most of this was probably due to the mercury in my body and due to having low progesterone. I was pretty sure I still had some babesia floating around and would need more treatment for that booger. 

I sat on the bed and he did some testing. As I was getting off the bed a little later he kinda gave me a smile. Still thinking nothing of it Dr.N and I walked back to his desk to discuss the results... 

"Well, babesia isn't showing up. Actually, as a matter of fact, nothing is showing up. No bartonella, borrelia, yeast... So you're not on anything like that."

It took me a minute to catch up with what he just said. I looked at Tanner, who was blankly staring at Dr.N. I looked at mom who was tearing up and smiling brightly. 

Dr.N continued with telling me I still have mercury and need to get that out (I start the detox tonight) and he informed me that the chest/esophagus pain is emotional and I need to see Dr.L for N.E.T. 

There were so many questions I wanted to ask him, but couldn't get out of my mouth. I left knowing I see him in two months, I'm doing a mercury detox and he hopes my next appointment is my last one. 

I was able to ask why I still have some symptoms and he said sometimes it takes the body a bit to catch up. He told me to continue with the next protocol plan and we'll touch base in a couple months. Hoping those last bit of symptoms go away and are not permanent damage. 

Many Lymie's get discouraged by this. Being told they are lyme-free but still experience some issues. Maybe I should feel this way, but I'm not.  I'm over the moon that I beat Lyme's butt. If my Jesus can heal me of a "life or death" situation I'm sure a few symptoms aren't too big for Him. 

So what's next? What a question that is. What's next? Well, I'm driving alone. I'm driving to Denver (1 1/2 hours) alone. I'm driving up the mountain alone. I went on a 4 day road trip with my husband and friends this past weekend. I started training for a half marathon. I took my phsyco cat to the vet alone. I got a tattoo. I started helping schedule teachers for Sunday School. Oh, and we're looking at moving out. After 16 months of living with my parents, having everything we own in storage, being codependent, and not really feeling married- we're moving out! Still looking for a place, but I know Jesus has the perfect place for us. I'm living life and thinking about planning a "Healed" party- not "remission". Dance and celebrate with those of you that fought this out with me.  

I'm still resting in and focusing on and choosing God's peace. I'm learning to not wait for the next shoe to drop. I'm enjoying my new life. I'm learning who I am. Most of my life has been revolved around me and the sickness and my limitations and my health. But now I'm not defined by those things. So I'm figuring out what I like, who I am, what I don't like. I'm learning that no matter  what happens I'm okay because God has me. My circumstances don't define if I'm okay or not. I'm okay no matter what my circumstance is- because God has me.  

If I could give one piece of advice to people trying to overcome a disease/illness it would be to want to be healthy more than you are fearful of it. Don't focus on the next shoe to drop. Don't think of yourself as that sickness. Don't worry about the future and what could happen. Focus on the here and now. Live today for what it's worth. Focus on being healthy and the prophecy God has given you. You are not the disease. You are God's beloved child. Want it more than you're afraid of it. 

I have the choice to worry if I have permanent damage, or if my ability to be pregnant is shot, or if I'll relapse, or if certain symptoms will ever go away. Sometimes I fail in this, but I try to always choose trust. Trusting that Abba has me, trusting that I'm safe in His hands. Trusting that He has me so I'm okay.  

~ "Sometimes the people around you won't understand your journey. They don't need to, it's not for them" 

Beauty In Depression

Yes, I'm still feeling better. Yes, I'm driving, getting up each day and doing life. I'm not in a wheelchair or house ridden. But I still deal with some symptoms. I'm still fighting babesia and borellia (mainly in the mercury of my teeth). 

There is something else I still fight through. Something I hate talking about, acknowledging, or letting people know. Something I don't think people understand unless they've dealt with it. Something I have no control over. Something I'm embarrassed that people know about me. 

If any of you know me outside of my blog you'd agree that I'm a joyful, happy, bubbly person. I like people and having adventures. I like making memories and laughing. I love being with friends and playing loud obnoxious games. I love life. 

I still deal with depression and anxiety. It's not always because of a certain situation. It's not because I'm in a fearful state or deep sadness. It's because I have very low progestrone (menopausal low) and this affects my brain. It's out of my control and is irrational. 

There is nothing to talk through. There is nothing wrong. No one said or did anything. I'm not mad or hurt. I'm rational enough to realize I'm being irrational. I just want to lay in bed and watch Gilmore Girls, cry a little, eat chocolate, and wear pjs. 

Depression is a stupid thing. I see it as the ocean. Waves to be exact. They come and go. Some are small and some big. Some last a long time and others are short. I went a few months with no problems then woke up about a week ago just wanting to introvert and cry for no reason. Nothing happened. Nothing is wrong. But everything is wrong. 

I used to think something was messed up with me. That I didn't love or trust Jesus. That I was doing something wrong or that I was mentally crazy. Being able to accept that I struggle with depression was a big deal. People saying comments to me like "Jesus is your antidepressant", "Do you have faith the size of a mustard seed?", "You're sinning. That's why you're sick", "You just don't have enough faith", "Snap out of it", "You just want attention", makes it worse. 

I wish it was a choice. I wish I could ignore it and pretend it wasn't there. I wish I could find the "problem" and let it go. But it doesn't work that way. It's an imbalance that I have absolutely no control over. 

Yes, I've prayed about it, gotten prayer, fasted, and surrendered it to Jesus. But His response has always been to me "My grace is enough and sufficient for you." God's grace is enough for me. 

I've come to learn the sweet side of depression (now I bet you all think I'm crazy). I've learned that when I'm out of control God brings order.  I've learned that in the darkest nights I meet with the sweetest embrace of Jesus. I've learned you can love Jesus had still have a thorn in your side. I've learned that sometimes when life sucks it's not because you've done something wrong but because Jesus wants His glory to be known. I love how Jesus has comforted me, shown me truth, and met me right where I am- irrational and all. I've come to know His love and faithfulness so much deeper. Those that have been given much grace and love can extend much grace and love. The darkest of times end with the sweetest of moments with my Jesus. 

I can't even begin to tell you the amount of people I've met that deal with depression or anxiety. People that are too afraid to say so because they are worried someone is going to tell them Jesus should be their antidepressant. Too worried that people will try to solve a problem where there is no problem. Worried that people will judge and give their 2 cents, even though they don't get it. 

If you deal with depression you are not alone. You haven't done something wrong to deserve this. It's okay to occasionally need time to breathe and introvert. People don't always get it and take it personal- that's not your problem. You're loved, despite depression. 

If you know someone that deals with depression- love them, don't take it personal, and don't try to fix them. Let them know you're there for them through the ups and downs. And don't assume you know better for them. Encourage and love. 

Goodbye 2014

2014. What do I say about 2014? 

I can honestly say this has been the worst year of my life. And on the other hand I can say this has been the best year of my life. "My life" is a funny phrase. I mean, I'm 24. Only a quarter of the way there. So how much worth does "best or worst year of my life" hold? 

I think it holds a lot of value. I'm sure I'll go through difficult seasons and experience great joy and deep loss in the years to come. I'm sure I'll hate seasons of my life and also see God's hand move mightily. But this season, this year, was a big one for me. 

(And this is where I start to cry) 

I battled out a disease that had been killing me since the day I was born. I felt such deep physical pain I wouldn't even know how to put it into words. I was mentally tourtured. I slept on the bathroom floor. I overdosed on medicine. Faced some of my biggest fears. Had a PICC line placed and felt the pain of that line tug at my heart and pull veins as it coiled. Experienced torturing amounts of rage, depression and anxiety, in which I had no control over. Infused my own IV abx. I was bedridden. I sat in a wheelchair. Was told by the nurses they thought I didn't make it. Pain and torture. Pain and torture. 

And I beat it. I beat all of it. I looked death in the face and won. Jesus won. 

I still can't believe 2014 was the year my life would change. After having symptoms since my 1st birthday and praying and fasting and having the mustard seed faith - I saw the miracle happen. I was a part of the miracle. I can't get over that. 

Don't get me wrong, I haven't had a pain free day yet. But I'm driving! And did a 5k. And have a sound mind. Haven't sat in a wheelchair or fallen over in 13 weeks.  2015 will be the year I say I had a pain free day. I won't settle for a day though. I need it to become my life. 

What did I learn? Oh man I could go on for days about what I learned. I learned that family isn't always blood or paperwork. I'm a fighter and a warrior and nothing can beat me because Jesus lives in me. Prayer works. I don't owe anyone anything. Life is messy but beautiful. My life is worth it and necessary. God is good. He's unfailing good. The darkest nights are really where you meet with the deepest grace and love of Jesus. And I learned that the faith of a child can change everything. 

I couldn't have done this year without a few particular people. 

My brother was a trooper. Making sure I ate and had water to drink. He checked up on me constantly. Walked me to the bathroom. He made me smile when I didn't want to keep moving on. 

My dad kept the laughter going.  His faith encouraged me. Some people call it being oblivious, but I say otherwise. My dad knew I was gonna make it. He had do doubt in his mind that his daughter was a fighter and victorious. 

My dear friend, N. I didn't have many friends this past year and not only did she stick with me but she understood all of it. God knew what He was doing when He made us friends. To have a friend stick it out with you is amazing. But to have a friend stick with you and understand you is simply wonderful. 

My best friend, A, amazes me. Every Wednesday, without fail, she came to my house and spent time with me. She hung out at the er and held my hand. She saw my highs and lows. She's a true friend. I'm glad I get to celebrate and party in this new season with her. 

My mom is my hero. My mom is quite possibly the most amazing woman on the planet. And in the history of ever. There are no words. She took in her son in law and daughter and loved with no strings attached. My mom taught me you don't have to live in a 3rd world country or give a bed to the homeless or adopt all the children to save the world. Sometimes saving the world is holding your daughter's hand and telling her she's gonna make it. It's crying out to Jesus  when doctors shrug their shoulders. It's laying down your life and sacrifice everyhing to meet someone where they are at. My mom is a hero. My mom is my hero. 

Tanner, my husband. He's the best. Like really. If you want to be a better husband you talk to him. Not many husbands will stand by their wives when they are mentally and physically sick while living in their in law's house 2 years into marriage. He sacrificed a career and school and being a newlywed to see me healthy. He's a man. And he's a handsome man too ;) 

Thank you. There seems to be no power in those words, but thank you. 

2014. Pain and torture. But God. Great joy and hope. I think that's what I have to say about 2014. But God. Where there was no way He made a way. Where no one else could reach me, He found me. But God. 

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." 

Goodbye 2014. Hello 2015. 

Month 15(prt 1): Where I'm At

Well hello there! I haven't written in over a month. Life has been a little crazier for me since getting healthier. I also wondered if anyone wanted to keep reading my blog once I wasn't bedridden anymore... So I guess we will find out ;) 

I'm currently off all antibiotics. Everything I take to kill Lyme Disease is a supplement. Still battling borrelia and babesia. Bartonella is not an issue for me :) and it's going to stay that way! I'm still on ambien for sleeping, hydrocortisone for my adrenals (but I'm slowly coming off), and hormones to get my body to start making some (living in perimenopause at 23 was not ideal). 

Every week I go for lazor therapy and chiropractor. Once a month I go to Dr.N for Lyme treatment and I go to L for NET therapy. I see Dr.L for hormone therapy every other month. And I am currently getting all the mercury out of my teeth. It's split up in 4 parts and I just finished part two yesterday. I do that every 2-3 weeks. 

I have not relapsed in two months. Don't get me wrong, I occasionally have days were getting out of bed is not an option. But those are not often. I have way more good days than bad. I haven't had a "pain free" day yet though. Still at about 80% better. My ribs, chest, knees, feet, and spin still bother me. But those might all just be structural issues and adjustments will help that. Plus I'm moving all the time and my body is not used to that! I also deal with little things like ringing in the ear, floaters, headaches... And that can all be connected to the mercury in my mouth. 

I walked a 5k on Thanksgiving day. It was my first 5k ever! I cried and laughed when I finished. Haven't been so proud of myself ever before! 

I'm doing yoga and pilates and going for walks regularly. I'm driving my car. Haven't gone downtown yet or highways... But I'm getting there :) 

Learning little tricks to help with some of the pain still left. Baths are my best friend, no metal, no potatoes or tomatoes. I've been learning breathing technics to help with anxiety and sleeping. I'm sleeping- I take ambien, but I'm sleeping. I've only had a handful of anxiety attacks in the last couple months. I used to have a few a day. I can usually catch the anxiety before it happens and either leave the place or use my new technics. 

I'm learning to enjoy each day. Relapses are totally normal for Lymies. My doctor has told me to be aware of that. And all my Lymie friends have said the same thing. I don't want to relapse nor do I plan on it- because I believe Jesus healed me. But sometimes I let my brain go there and start to worry that the knee pain will get bad enough I need the wheelchair. Or if the headache will turn into a mirgraine and I'll lose my vision. I'm learning to not let fear of what could happen control me. 

Tanner and I are dealing with medical bills. Looking into getting a lawyer to help us cause our insurance won't pay anything from the ER visits or PICC stuff. We are also looking into moving out of my parent's house because I'm doing so much better. Moving out scares me. I'm worried I won't be ready or I'll relapse or have a bad day... But I need to not allow fear of what could happen and live each day as it comes. 

No, I haven't gotten a job or gone back to school. I'm still learning how to do life again. And each day is so unexpected. Like I said, I still have bad days. And I'm learning how to work through anxiety, pain, and such. Some things still irritate me like talking on the phone, going somewhere new, dealing with a long to do list. I'm not stuck with not being able to do those things, I'm learning how to work through them. Baby steps. 

Please keep praying for complete healing. Please also pray for wisdom for Tanner and myself about moving out and medical bills. I'm ready for this season of life to be completely over with and behind us. 

~ "What if I fall?" Oh, but my darling what if you fly.

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Encourage Your Heart

I wanted to share with you some quotes, Scripture verses and songs that I went back to a lot over the past year. These are some songs that were on repeat. And words I read over and over. I hope they can encourage your heart too...

Bible Verses: 

- "I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14

- "My health my fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever." Psalm 73:26

- "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you." Isaiah 43:2

- "The pain you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming." Romans 8:18

- "When I said, "my foot is slipping, "Your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul." Psalm 94:19

- "After your season of suffering, God in all His grace will restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you." 1 Peter 5:10

- "I am a prisoner of hope." Zechariah 9:12

- "But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me." 2 Timothy 4:17

- "Be truly glad... There's a wonderful joy ahead." Peter 1:6

- "The Lord goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." Deuteronomy 31:8

- "She does not fear bad news; she confidently trusts the Lord to take care of her." Psalm 112:7

- "The Lord God is my strength, my bravery. He will walk me through places of trouble and suffering." Habakkuk 3:19

- "Blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what had been spoken to her by the Lord." Luke 1:45

- "So do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand." Isaiah 41:10

- "But He gives more grace..." James 4:6 

- "By His wounds we are healed." Isaish 53:5 

- "Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again--my Savior and my God!" Psalm 42:11

- "You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good."  Genesis 50:20 

- "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." Psalm 23

- "Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the LORD: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him. For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly disease. He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection. Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor the arrow that flies in the day. Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness, nor the disaster that strikes at midday. Though a thousand fall at your side, though ten thousand are dying around you, these evils will not touch you. Just open your eyes, and see how the wicked are punished. If you make the LORD your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your home. For he will order his angels to protect you wherever you go. They will hold you up with their hands so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone. You will trample upon lions and cobras; you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet! The LORD says, “I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation.” Psalm 91 

Quotes: 

- "There is no pit so deep that God isn't deeper still." Corrie Tenbion

- "If you're going through hell... Keep going." Winston Churchill

- "I walk slowly, but never walk backward." Abraham Lincoln 

- "You may suffer many defeats in this life, but you will not be defeated. You will rise after each trial stronger and wiser." Leon Briwn

- "It's hard to beat a person who never gives up." Babe Ruth 

- "Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise." Vieten Hugo

- "God is most glorified in me when I am most satisfied in him." John Piper 

- "When I cannot read, when I cannot think, when I cannot even pray, I can trust."

- "Courage, dear heart." C.S.Lewis 

- "One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will seem to you as the most beautiful." Sigmund Freud

- "Your greatest ministry will likely come from your deepest pain."  Rick Warren 

- "I don't care how long it takes me, but I'm going somewhere beautiful." 

- "Every time you find some humor in a difficult situation, you win." 

- "And if not He is still good..." 

- "If you're absent during my struggle, don't expect to be present during my success." - Will Smith 

- "When someone is going through a storm, your silent presence is more powerful than a million empty words." 

- "There are some of Your graces which would never be discovered if it were not for your trials." C.H. Spurgeon 

- "In times of affliction we commonly meet with the sweetest experiences of the love of God." John Bunyan 

Music: 

- "Christ Is Enough" Hillsong

- "Healer" Hillsong

- "How He Loves" Jesus Culture

- "I Am" Crowder 

- "Make A Way" Desperation Band

- "Oceans" Hillsong

- "Oh God" Citizens And Saints

- "The Sun Is Rising" Britt Nicole

- "You Make Me Brave" Bethel Music

- "Cornerstone" Hillsong

- "Lord, I Need You" Matt Maher

- "Not For A Moment" Vertical Church Band 

Month 14(prt1): Can't Kill Me

Take a deep breath.

And another one. 

Even slower. 

Now read Psalm 23. 

That, mixed with the worst pain of my life and fear and anxiety was me a few weekends ago. But I lived. I'm alive. 

About a month ago, the day after I started my new treatment, I started getting these weird episodes. I felt like my body was completely shutting down. I couldn't move, talk, think, had a hard time breathing... My family described it as being petrified. My functioning abilities would completely stop. Lasted between 5 min to a couple hours. 

I had these episodes from Tuesday through Thursday. When Tanner and I were at small group Thursday night (about 4 weeks ago) I felt my chest getting hot. I thought maybe it was a weird rash or just anxiety, so I kept trying to brush it off. I was zoning in and out and was completely off. 

We got home from group and I couldn't shake how I was feeling. When I went to go flush my PICC line I noticed blood around the PICC site. So Tanner took me to the ER. The dr looked at it and decided it was probably just placed wrong and my home nurse can fix the dressing in the morning. So we left. 

Halfway home I kept complaining to Tanner about the chest pain, so we decided to go back. They brought me back to a room and started doing tests. EKG, X-ray, blood work. The er dr came back saying he thinks it was a mixture of Lyme Disease inflammation and anxiety. He also said that my PICC line was looped in my chest. He said it was no big deal and to show my nurse in the morning. So I went home. 

We got home at about 430am and I layed awake till about 6 in debilitating pain. When Tanner started getting ready for work I crawled downstairs and sat with my mom on the couch completely flipping out. Seriously, the pain in my chest was so bad. Beyond bad. I was convulsing from the pain. So obviously mom brought me back to the er (a different one this time). They checked my tests from the night before, did more tests, and gave me lots of morphine. The er dr came in saying my PICC line had coiled under the base of my neck, pulling my veins with it. It should have stopped right above my heart but was in the base of my neck on the right side.... Yeah, that hurts, to say the least. 

They pulled it. And the line came out curled. The nurse bandaged me up and sent me on my way. She said the pain should go away. It was Friday afternoon and I had had no sleep since Wednesday night. I was exhausted, still in pain, and dealing with anxiety. 

That night the pain just kept increasing. I told myself I could go back to the ER or start praying, worshipping and reading Scriprure. I chose to press into Jesus. So that night my mom and Tanner joined me in crying out to Jesus to stop the pain. This went into me proclaiming God's Word and promises. Which finished in me dancing around my room worshipping my Jesus. I was declaring Who's I was, God's character, and who I am. I, at one point, was jumping on my bed and singing as loud as I could - taking my life back. 

Some friends of ours came over late that night to help with the hiatal hernia by adjusting me. They also told me about this lazor thing that has been helping people feel better- I was gonna try it Monday. 

Didn't sleep that night either. Still more pain than I'd like, anxiety, and shaking. 

Saturday morning my mother in love came to get me to take me back to the chiropractor, and pick up some pain killers my dr sent in for me. She also sat with me and helped me eat to take the new meds. 

Throughout the day the pain just kept increasing to the point where Tanner put me in the bathtub to try and calm me down. Didn't help at all. I started hyperventilating and shaking and begging them to take me back to the hospital. I even told Tanner I wouldn't leave the hospital without relief or being admitted. 

The ER did more tests and the dr came back saying I just need to calm down and let my veins calm down. They have been being tugged on. I asked to be admitted and they said they had no reason to. 

When I waited to sign the last bit of paperwork I felt hopeless and terrified. My husband and mom were in the room exhausted after two days of hell. My best friend was holding my hand. And everytime I tried falling asleep the machine started beeping. The morphine had done nothing - and I was gonna go home like this. 

Again no sleep. 

Then Sunday I spirled downhill. The pain meds didn't help, I couldn't sleep, I wasn't eating or drinking. And the pain just kept increasing. The hospitals couldn't help me, my dr didn't know what to do at this point, and God wasn't answering my prayers- my heart cries! I felt abandoned and alone. I thought I was dying. I remember thinking "this is it. I'm gonna die. No one can help me. Jesus won't heal me. I'm out of faith. I can't live like this... I'm barely even living..." And the thoughts got darker. Hopeless. Abandoned. Rejected. Terrified. Scared. Alone. Forgotten. Lost. Anxious. 

Finally Tanner called some friends of ours who didn't answer. He then called another friend, who was at the first friend's house right up the street. Both their families invited us over for prayer. 

I went to my pastor's house in polar bear pajamas, a greasy messy hair bun, and one of Tanner's shirts on. I was a mess. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. 

They cried with me for a little while, then we prayed. For three hours we pressed into Jesus. We worshipped and prayed and cried out and waited. We all told Jesus "this is it! You have to heal me. There is no other option." One of their younger sons prayed over me "Lord, heal Mrs.Bekah or she's gonna die." As morbid as that sounds it was the truth. I was beyond the end of my rope. I wasn't  standing on the cliff of life or death I was falling off the cliff.  

"Jesus do something"

And He did. He gave me peace. Peace that surpasses ALL understanding guarded my heart and mind. I rested in my Saviour. Despite the pain and fear I knew I was gonna be okay. Jesus had me. Jesus is my Prince of peace. 

Over the course of the next few days I went back to that peace. When the pain started back up I rested in Jesus. When the fear crippled in I listened to Psalms. When I started having anxiety I took every thought captive in the obedience of Christ and focused on Jesus. And new things started filling my heart and mind. Hopeful. Rested. Peaceful. Energy. Life. Found. Accepted. Love. Faith. 

I also saw my chiropractor, started that lazor thing, and say my therapist.

My life started changing. A week after all that PICC stuff I went to the Farmer's Market with my parents. Walked around by myself. Then two weeks after being in a wheelchair and thinking I was dying I went for a hike! A mile hike in the gorgeous, autumn, Colorado mountains. Tanner and I actually sat down in a field and enjoyed the snow and yellow leaves and perfect weather. We did Psalm 23. 

That weekend we shared our testimony with our church. We celebrated with our church that Jesus heals. It was a huge faith moment for Tanner and I because telling everyone that Jesus healed me made it real. "By the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony..." 

I've been hiking, dancing, driving, and walking for a few weeks now- and it's amazing! 

I saw Dr.N Monday. He was completely blown away by the change. I told him it was a miracle. I'm not 100% yet, but I'd say I'm like 80%. I feel the best I have in a long time. Still dealing with some symptoms I'd rather not, but Dr.N said he thinks I'm almost there. 2-4 more weeks of treatment and he said he thinks he'll be able to say the "remission" word. I know that means HEALED! 

At one point I was jumping up and down during my appt and telling Dr.N this is the real me. I love life and I'm energetic and I smile a lot! He said, "I knew this was the real you. I saw this person. I've seen a very sick girl over the past year with a great attitude." And he gave me a HUGE hug. He thanked me for not giving up, and I thanked him for doing the same thing. 

Still on a journey, but it's good :) Only moving forward from here. Now Tanner and I are trying to tackle all those medical bills. About $30,000. But I don't feel hopeless. I can't wait to see how Jesus is going to come through with this one :) I'm ready to live life. 

I've suffered with mental and physical illness for 23 years. Cried out to Jesus, fasted and prayed, was brought to the elders for anointing, had faith the size of a mustard seed... And nothing. I was discouraged and hopeless. I questioned and doubted. But others told me to keep pressing into Jesus and not give up. 

Please be encouraged by this. Keep pressing into Jesus. Don't give up. No matter how long you've been crying out God hears you and He loves you. Don't give up. Your "but God" moment is going to happen. I don't know how or when or what that looks like, but it will. God isn't allowed to leave you or forsake you. "Where there is no way God makes a way." 

My lovely mother in love, Cheryl, and her sister, Julie, set up a gofundme account for Tanner and I to help with the insane amount of medical bills we are up against. Here's the link if you want to check it out. Cheryl's letter is amazing. 

http://www.gofundme.com/g9fcxo 

~ Can't kill me.  

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