Month 15(prt 1): Where I'm At

Well hello there! I haven't written in over a month. Life has been a little crazier for me since getting healthier. I also wondered if anyone wanted to keep reading my blog once I wasn't bedridden anymore... So I guess we will find out ;) 

I'm currently off all antibiotics. Everything I take to kill Lyme Disease is a supplement. Still battling borrelia and babesia. Bartonella is not an issue for me :) and it's going to stay that way! I'm still on ambien for sleeping, hydrocortisone for my adrenals (but I'm slowly coming off), and hormones to get my body to start making some (living in perimenopause at 23 was not ideal). 

Every week I go for lazor therapy and chiropractor. Once a month I go to Dr.N for Lyme treatment and I go to L for NET therapy. I see Dr.L for hormone therapy every other month. And I am currently getting all the mercury out of my teeth. It's split up in 4 parts and I just finished part two yesterday. I do that every 2-3 weeks. 

I have not relapsed in two months. Don't get me wrong, I occasionally have days were getting out of bed is not an option. But those are not often. I have way more good days than bad. I haven't had a "pain free" day yet though. Still at about 80% better. My ribs, chest, knees, feet, and spin still bother me. But those might all just be structural issues and adjustments will help that. Plus I'm moving all the time and my body is not used to that! I also deal with little things like ringing in the ear, floaters, headaches... And that can all be connected to the mercury in my mouth. 

I walked a 5k on Thanksgiving day. It was my first 5k ever! I cried and laughed when I finished. Haven't been so proud of myself ever before! 

I'm doing yoga and pilates and going for walks regularly. I'm driving my car. Haven't gone downtown yet or highways... But I'm getting there :) 

Learning little tricks to help with some of the pain still left. Baths are my best friend, no metal, no potatoes or tomatoes. I've been learning breathing technics to help with anxiety and sleeping. I'm sleeping- I take ambien, but I'm sleeping. I've only had a handful of anxiety attacks in the last couple months. I used to have a few a day. I can usually catch the anxiety before it happens and either leave the place or use my new technics. 

I'm learning to enjoy each day. Relapses are totally normal for Lymies. My doctor has told me to be aware of that. And all my Lymie friends have said the same thing. I don't want to relapse nor do I plan on it- because I believe Jesus healed me. But sometimes I let my brain go there and start to worry that the knee pain will get bad enough I need the wheelchair. Or if the headache will turn into a mirgraine and I'll lose my vision. I'm learning to not let fear of what could happen control me. 

Tanner and I are dealing with medical bills. Looking into getting a lawyer to help us cause our insurance won't pay anything from the ER visits or PICC stuff. We are also looking into moving out of my parent's house because I'm doing so much better. Moving out scares me. I'm worried I won't be ready or I'll relapse or have a bad day... But I need to not allow fear of what could happen and live each day as it comes. 

No, I haven't gotten a job or gone back to school. I'm still learning how to do life again. And each day is so unexpected. Like I said, I still have bad days. And I'm learning how to work through anxiety, pain, and such. Some things still irritate me like talking on the phone, going somewhere new, dealing with a long to do list. I'm not stuck with not being able to do those things, I'm learning how to work through them. Baby steps. 

Please keep praying for complete healing. Please also pray for wisdom for Tanner and myself about moving out and medical bills. I'm ready for this season of life to be completely over with and behind us. 

~ "What if I fall?" Oh, but my darling what if you fly.

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Encourage Your Heart

I wanted to share with you some quotes, Scripture verses and songs that I went back to a lot over the past year. These are some songs that were on repeat. And words I read over and over. I hope they can encourage your heart too...

Bible Verses: 

- "I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14

- "My health my fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever." Psalm 73:26

- "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you." Isaiah 43:2

- "The pain you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming." Romans 8:18

- "When I said, "my foot is slipping, "Your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul." Psalm 94:19

- "After your season of suffering, God in all His grace will restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you." 1 Peter 5:10

- "I am a prisoner of hope." Zechariah 9:12

- "But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me." 2 Timothy 4:17

- "Be truly glad... There's a wonderful joy ahead." Peter 1:6

- "The Lord goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." Deuteronomy 31:8

- "She does not fear bad news; she confidently trusts the Lord to take care of her." Psalm 112:7

- "The Lord God is my strength, my bravery. He will walk me through places of trouble and suffering." Habakkuk 3:19

- "Blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what had been spoken to her by the Lord." Luke 1:45

- "So do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand." Isaiah 41:10

- "But He gives more grace..." James 4:6 

- "By His wounds we are healed." Isaish 53:5 

- "Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again--my Savior and my God!" Psalm 42:11

- "You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good."  Genesis 50:20 

- "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." Psalm 23

- "Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the LORD: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him. For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly disease. He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection. Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor the arrow that flies in the day. Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness, nor the disaster that strikes at midday. Though a thousand fall at your side, though ten thousand are dying around you, these evils will not touch you. Just open your eyes, and see how the wicked are punished. If you make the LORD your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your home. For he will order his angels to protect you wherever you go. They will hold you up with their hands so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone. You will trample upon lions and cobras; you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet! The LORD says, “I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation.” Psalm 91 

Quotes: 

- "There is no pit so deep that God isn't deeper still." Corrie Tenbion

- "If you're going through hell... Keep going." Winston Churchill

- "I walk slowly, but never walk backward." Abraham Lincoln 

- "You may suffer many defeats in this life, but you will not be defeated. You will rise after each trial stronger and wiser." Leon Briwn

- "It's hard to beat a person who never gives up." Babe Ruth 

- "Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise." Vieten Hugo

- "God is most glorified in me when I am most satisfied in him." John Piper 

- "When I cannot read, when I cannot think, when I cannot even pray, I can trust."

- "Courage, dear heart." C.S.Lewis 

- "One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will seem to you as the most beautiful." Sigmund Freud

- "Your greatest ministry will likely come from your deepest pain."  Rick Warren 

- "I don't care how long it takes me, but I'm going somewhere beautiful." 

- "Every time you find some humor in a difficult situation, you win." 

- "And if not He is still good..." 

- "If you're absent during my struggle, don't expect to be present during my success." - Will Smith 

- "When someone is going through a storm, your silent presence is more powerful than a million empty words." 

- "There are some of Your graces which would never be discovered if it were not for your trials." C.H. Spurgeon 

- "In times of affliction we commonly meet with the sweetest experiences of the love of God." John Bunyan 

Music: 

- "Christ Is Enough" Hillsong

- "Healer" Hillsong

- "How He Loves" Jesus Culture

- "I Am" Crowder 

- "Make A Way" Desperation Band

- "Oceans" Hillsong

- "Oh God" Citizens And Saints

- "The Sun Is Rising" Britt Nicole

- "You Make Me Brave" Bethel Music

- "Cornerstone" Hillsong

- "Lord, I Need You" Matt Maher

- "Not For A Moment" Vertical Church Band 

Month 14(prt1): Can't Kill Me

Take a deep breath.

And another one. 

Even slower. 

Now read Psalm 23. 

That, mixed with the worst pain of my life and fear and anxiety was me a few weekends ago. But I lived. I'm alive. 

About a month ago, the day after I started my new treatment, I started getting these weird episodes. I felt like my body was completely shutting down. I couldn't move, talk, think, had a hard time breathing... My family described it as being petrified. My functioning abilities would completely stop. Lasted between 5 min to a couple hours. 

I had these episodes from Tuesday through Thursday. When Tanner and I were at small group Thursday night (about 4 weeks ago) I felt my chest getting hot. I thought maybe it was a weird rash or just anxiety, so I kept trying to brush it off. I was zoning in and out and was completely off. 

We got home from group and I couldn't shake how I was feeling. When I went to go flush my PICC line I noticed blood around the PICC site. So Tanner took me to the ER. The dr looked at it and decided it was probably just placed wrong and my home nurse can fix the dressing in the morning. So we left. 

Halfway home I kept complaining to Tanner about the chest pain, so we decided to go back. They brought me back to a room and started doing tests. EKG, X-ray, blood work. The er dr came back saying he thinks it was a mixture of Lyme Disease inflammation and anxiety. He also said that my PICC line was looped in my chest. He said it was no big deal and to show my nurse in the morning. So I went home. 

We got home at about 430am and I layed awake till about 6 in debilitating pain. When Tanner started getting ready for work I crawled downstairs and sat with my mom on the couch completely flipping out. Seriously, the pain in my chest was so bad. Beyond bad. I was convulsing from the pain. So obviously mom brought me back to the er (a different one this time). They checked my tests from the night before, did more tests, and gave me lots of morphine. The er dr came in saying my PICC line had coiled under the base of my neck, pulling my veins with it. It should have stopped right above my heart but was in the base of my neck on the right side.... Yeah, that hurts, to say the least. 

They pulled it. And the line came out curled. The nurse bandaged me up and sent me on my way. She said the pain should go away. It was Friday afternoon and I had had no sleep since Wednesday night. I was exhausted, still in pain, and dealing with anxiety. 

That night the pain just kept increasing. I told myself I could go back to the ER or start praying, worshipping and reading Scriprure. I chose to press into Jesus. So that night my mom and Tanner joined me in crying out to Jesus to stop the pain. This went into me proclaiming God's Word and promises. Which finished in me dancing around my room worshipping my Jesus. I was declaring Who's I was, God's character, and who I am. I, at one point, was jumping on my bed and singing as loud as I could - taking my life back. 

Some friends of ours came over late that night to help with the hiatal hernia by adjusting me. They also told me about this lazor thing that has been helping people feel better- I was gonna try it Monday. 

Didn't sleep that night either. Still more pain than I'd like, anxiety, and shaking. 

Saturday morning my mother in love came to get me to take me back to the chiropractor, and pick up some pain killers my dr sent in for me. She also sat with me and helped me eat to take the new meds. 

Throughout the day the pain just kept increasing to the point where Tanner put me in the bathtub to try and calm me down. Didn't help at all. I started hyperventilating and shaking and begging them to take me back to the hospital. I even told Tanner I wouldn't leave the hospital without relief or being admitted. 

The ER did more tests and the dr came back saying I just need to calm down and let my veins calm down. They have been being tugged on. I asked to be admitted and they said they had no reason to. 

When I waited to sign the last bit of paperwork I felt hopeless and terrified. My husband and mom were in the room exhausted after two days of hell. My best friend was holding my hand. And everytime I tried falling asleep the machine started beeping. The morphine had done nothing - and I was gonna go home like this. 

Again no sleep. 

Then Sunday I spirled downhill. The pain meds didn't help, I couldn't sleep, I wasn't eating or drinking. And the pain just kept increasing. The hospitals couldn't help me, my dr didn't know what to do at this point, and God wasn't answering my prayers- my heart cries! I felt abandoned and alone. I thought I was dying. I remember thinking "this is it. I'm gonna die. No one can help me. Jesus won't heal me. I'm out of faith. I can't live like this... I'm barely even living..." And the thoughts got darker. Hopeless. Abandoned. Rejected. Terrified. Scared. Alone. Forgotten. Lost. Anxious. 

Finally Tanner called some friends of ours who didn't answer. He then called another friend, who was at the first friend's house right up the street. Both their families invited us over for prayer. 

I went to my pastor's house in polar bear pajamas, a greasy messy hair bun, and one of Tanner's shirts on. I was a mess. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. 

They cried with me for a little while, then we prayed. For three hours we pressed into Jesus. We worshipped and prayed and cried out and waited. We all told Jesus "this is it! You have to heal me. There is no other option." One of their younger sons prayed over me "Lord, heal Mrs.Bekah or she's gonna die." As morbid as that sounds it was the truth. I was beyond the end of my rope. I wasn't  standing on the cliff of life or death I was falling off the cliff.  

"Jesus do something"

And He did. He gave me peace. Peace that surpasses ALL understanding guarded my heart and mind. I rested in my Saviour. Despite the pain and fear I knew I was gonna be okay. Jesus had me. Jesus is my Prince of peace. 

Over the course of the next few days I went back to that peace. When the pain started back up I rested in Jesus. When the fear crippled in I listened to Psalms. When I started having anxiety I took every thought captive in the obedience of Christ and focused on Jesus. And new things started filling my heart and mind. Hopeful. Rested. Peaceful. Energy. Life. Found. Accepted. Love. Faith. 

I also saw my chiropractor, started that lazor thing, and say my therapist.

My life started changing. A week after all that PICC stuff I went to the Farmer's Market with my parents. Walked around by myself. Then two weeks after being in a wheelchair and thinking I was dying I went for a hike! A mile hike in the gorgeous, autumn, Colorado mountains. Tanner and I actually sat down in a field and enjoyed the snow and yellow leaves and perfect weather. We did Psalm 23. 

That weekend we shared our testimony with our church. We celebrated with our church that Jesus heals. It was a huge faith moment for Tanner and I because telling everyone that Jesus healed me made it real. "By the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony..." 

I've been hiking, dancing, driving, and walking for a few weeks now- and it's amazing! 

I saw Dr.N Monday. He was completely blown away by the change. I told him it was a miracle. I'm not 100% yet, but I'd say I'm like 80%. I feel the best I have in a long time. Still dealing with some symptoms I'd rather not, but Dr.N said he thinks I'm almost there. 2-4 more weeks of treatment and he said he thinks he'll be able to say the "remission" word. I know that means HEALED! 

At one point I was jumping up and down during my appt and telling Dr.N this is the real me. I love life and I'm energetic and I smile a lot! He said, "I knew this was the real you. I saw this person. I've seen a very sick girl over the past year with a great attitude." And he gave me a HUGE hug. He thanked me for not giving up, and I thanked him for doing the same thing. 

Still on a journey, but it's good :) Only moving forward from here. Now Tanner and I are trying to tackle all those medical bills. About $30,000. But I don't feel hopeless. I can't wait to see how Jesus is going to come through with this one :) I'm ready to live life. 

I've suffered with mental and physical illness for 23 years. Cried out to Jesus, fasted and prayed, was brought to the elders for anointing, had faith the size of a mustard seed... And nothing. I was discouraged and hopeless. I questioned and doubted. But others told me to keep pressing into Jesus and not give up. 

Please be encouraged by this. Keep pressing into Jesus. Don't give up. No matter how long you've been crying out God hears you and He loves you. Don't give up. Your "but God" moment is going to happen. I don't know how or when or what that looks like, but it will. God isn't allowed to leave you or forsake you. "Where there is no way God makes a way." 

My lovely mother in love, Cheryl, and her sister, Julie, set up a gofundme account for Tanner and I to help with the insane amount of medical bills we are up against. Here's the link if you want to check it out. Cheryl's letter is amazing. 

http://www.gofundme.com/g9fcxo 

~ Can't kill me.  

I love comments ;) 

Month 12 (prt 2): Not Mine

Just been living the Lyme life. I thought I was getting better for a couple days last week, but then the past few days haven't really followed suit. I hate that about Lyme Disease. One day tolerable and the next miserable. It's like a surprise each day or sometimes each hour. As my friend just reminded me there are lots of corners to turn along the way to recovery. 

Recently I've started experiencing symptoms I haven't in a while. I feel like I have no control over my body with random jerks, twitches, spasms, feeling like dead weight and I can't move. My feet have also been burning and my skin has been turning bright red and feels like needles being stabbed in it. Spleen pain and chest pain is getting bad. My anxiety is through the roof too. Like paranoid anxiety. Freaking spirochetes in my brain. 

A couple days ago I called Dr.N and he switched stuff up again. This is like the third change to my protocol this month. We think I'm flairing bartonella now. My babesia symptoms have started to calm down a little, but my bartonella symptoms are flairing now. Which can be viewed as a good thing cause that means it's active and we can attack it. 

I'm not infusing right now because Dr.N wants to see how I am without it, see if I can maintain. I'll find out in about a week if I get my PICC line pulled or not. I'm really nervous about that to be honest. My biggest concern is that it'll get pulled and I'll need it again soon. And it costs about $4000 to place. But I know every day it's in, my chances of an infection get higher. I mean God has so protected me the past almost 6 months with no real concerns. Which is amazing. PICC lines don't usually last that long with no real issues. The worst is that my skin is completely done with the line in and dressing over it. 

Lately I've been super discouraged like to the point where I'm concerned something else is wrong, that I'll never get better, that there is too much damage, that this is it. I feel like this battle is too much for me and I'm not strong enough to beat it. 

And I was reminded by Jesus that it's not my battle to win, but His. He wants to fight for me. He wants to make the impossible possible. He wants to show off. He wants to overcome every obstical in my path.  He wants to show His glory. That's just who He is. 

"... This is what the Lord says: Do not be afraid! Don’t be discouraged by this mighty army, for the battle is not yours, but God’s. Tomorrow, march out against them. You will find them coming up through the ascent of Ziz at the end of the valley that opens into the wilderness of Jeruel. But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out against them tomorrow, for the Lord is with you!” - 2 Chronicles 20:15-17

Determined and hopeful. Those are my words. I don't let my mind think anything less than healing. I don't know what that looks like or the time frame but I know I'll achieve it one day. I have to. No other option. I'm a warrior and a fighter. I don't give up and I don't expect the worst. I know that God's plans for me are for good and for me to prosper and have a future. I have no idea what that looks like, but I trust God knows and they are good. Basically, I refuse to let Lyme Diseaae beat me. I have too many promises from The Lord. 

Prayer Requests:

• That it will be evidently clear to Dr.N to pull PICC or not

• Lots of favor from our insurance company to start paying for treatment. For them to repay us what they've called "medically unnecessary" and for them to get on board with further treatment

• Peace 

~ "When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory. And I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me. And  oh, how He loves us so."

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One Year Down

A year ago today I was rolling over after a terrible nights sleep. I didn't actually sleep though. I moaned and groaned and cried out in pain most of the night. Terrible lower back pain and stabbing pain in my chest. I remember I had tried to wake Tanner up, but he was fast asleep. I didn't really try that hard though because I had no energy. 

The week before I was diagnosed with cellulitis (a bacterial infection that goes under multiple layers of skin and inflames your skin and makes it itch- a deep itch that doesn't go away). I had an allergic reaction to the medication and went back to Urgent Care two days later. I was then put on a different abx which helped, but then, once I finished the dosage, I got very sick. Come to find out later I was herxing from the abx. 

It was a Sunday and I was sick and "woke up" sick the next morning. Tanner had to go to work so mom picked me up to take me to my nutritionist. I was not supossed to see Dr.N till February. Mom and I were gonna meet with a lady that morning who sees Dr.N to learn more about LD. Mom called her to inform her that we couldn't meet cause I was in more pain than ever and we were on our way to the ER. 

About 15 min later she calls back to inform me she got me an appointment with Dr.N that day. She was gonna give me her appt for the following week, but when she called the office she was told someone just canceled their appt and I could have it- that day! We had to leave within 30 min though to get there in time. We ran home to print off the paperwork, picked up Tanner and were on our way to an appt that would forever change my life. 

I remember the car ride was bad. 2 hours on the highway in the back of my Subaru with ice packs on me. I moaned and groaned and yelled and cried in pain the whole way there. 

After I explained my life away Dr.N confirmed what I already new- Chronic Lyme Disease and coinfections. I was textbook Lyme. From the biggest of pains to the randomest of symptoms- I am a Lymie. 

I left feeling so many emotions. I wanted to smile because I finally had an answer. I wanted to cry because I knew this journey wasn't going to be daisies and sunflowers. And I wanted to laugh because it's ridiculous how I had been failed by all the other doctors before him.

This year has down right sucked. Actually that word doesn't even come close to describing it. It's been hell.  We moved in with my parents because of financial stress, and didn't move out because Tanner needed help taking care of me. I haven't worked or gone to school. I spent weeks at a time having to be carried anywhere. I spent night after night screaming and crying out in pain. I had gone long periods of times only seeing my parents, brother and husband. Taking over 40 pills a day. Got a PICC line put in. Infused for 6 hours a day at some points. 

When I think about this year I just want to cry. Happy tears and sad tears. Sad tears because of the unrelenting pain, sleepless nights that turned into weeks, all that I missed out on, and all that LD put me and those around me through. And happy tears because God is faithful. He hasn't left or abandoned or forgotten me. His love is powerful, His peace is strong, and His grace is sufficent. 

Loneliness. That's been the hardest part. Seeing people having fun and enjoying life is hard. Laying in bed when everyone else is adding to society is depressing. If it weren't for the people I live with or a couple dear friends I would have gone weeks without talking to anyone. I've "lost" friends and family because of how this disease has affected me. People don't get it and take it personal. I'm sad about the relationships that have been stolen and stopped by LD. I miss people. 

It's hard to think what I was doing a year ago. Going to school, babysitting/nannying, living in our apartmet, hanging out with family and friends constantly, taking yoga and water aerobics classes, leading a small group every week, going to church every week... Compared to this? Downright sucks. I miss life. 

I talk about the pain and torture not because I dwell on it but because I want to help people understand. I want the truth of this nasty disease to get out there. I want people who feel stuck in an undiagnosed or misdiagnosed sickness to not feel alone. I want this ugly thing to be brought to light and stop stealing hope and lives. It's for education. 

But the things I've learned outweigh all that crap. I know, beyond a shadow of doubt, that Jesus adores me. The people that have stuck through this with me, even when I thought I was mentally crazy, mean so much to me. They amaze me for loving me through this. When I meet people who's doctors have been given up on them and I can tell them about LD is rewarding. Being a part of this world has opened my eyes to so much more. 

I'm able to relate with people in a way no one else can, unless you've had a chronic disease. I've learned how to completely trust my Savior through medical bills, symptoms, dr. visits, tests, this whole year. 

Thank you to all of you that brought a meal, dropped off flowers, visited me, texted me constantly (even when the answers didn't change), reminded me of Truth and my remission party, gave me a spoon, and stayed by me on the darkest of days. You've kept me going. 

Being diagnosed has completely changed my life. Not only did it give me an answer to symptoms but it's given me something to fight for... Or against. I fight for my life. And I fight for other's lives. This disease has stolen too much from me, other Lymies, those misdiagnosed and undiagnosed. 

When I think of this past year I think of the word "fight". Fight for my life. And for my future. Fight for those who have no medical answers. Fight against insurance companies. Fight for treatment. Fight for remission. Fight for life! 

Giving up is not an option. 

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Month 12 (prt1): Get Back Up

I saw my Doctor almost two weeks ago. So not where I should have been, but that's part of the game with Lyme Disease. You get worse before you get better and one thing could go right for a while but then other things can flair up. 

Long story short borellia (one of the three infections I have) is under control, not dead, but under control. Babesia (a coinfection) and bartonella (a coinfection) has flaired up pretty bad. Those are big fat boogers. And all the abx have made yeast flair up. But if I stop abx to clear up yeast the LD will come back worse. So all of my treatment was changed. I am to call Dr.N at the end of this week if I haven't gotten better so he can change treatment again. 

A lot needs to change by the end of the week though because I'm miserable. I feel like I have maleria/babesia (thought I had makeria in 2007 coming back from Uganda. Now looking back it was probably a babesia flair up- they are very similar). I'm so naseous, fevers, fatigue, dizzy, vertigo, shaking, headaches, chest pain, heart pain, migraines, heart palpitations/racing, so much anxiety. Just an overall BLAH feeling. I think it's a Herx. I hope it's a herx. Die Lyme, Die! 

A few days ago I spoke with a friend. He was telling me about how boxers (I think it was boxers. Silly Lyme brain) win. He was telling me that even if you are the weakest of the two and you keep falling down from each hit you can still win. You win by doing one thing. One thing that discourages the other boxer. He told me you get back up. That's all you have to do. Even if you're the weaker of the two, if you get back up after each hit the other boxer gets more and more discouraged. While you get stronger and stronger, just by getting back up. 

It's the same with fighting this disease. No matter how tired I am from getting no sleep. Or how much pain I'm in. Or how week I am. If I get back up I win. Because every time I get back up it discourages the Enemy. And sooner than later he's gonna get so discouraged by me getting back up after each hit, he's gonna give up. As long as I don't give up, he will give up. And I will win. 

I've got my lyme green boxing gloves on, I'm in the rink and I'm gonna win. Even if I fall down a ton, I'll get back up each and every time. 

Those of you that are dealing with a chronic disease. Mental, physical or both. You amaze me. You deal with pain, insurance companies, loneliness, dr. appts, hurtful comments, people not getting it, days spent in bed, having no control over the things your body does and thinks. And you're still here. You're still pushing through. You're still alive. And I'm proud of you. I may not know you very well. But if you are batteling for your health, physically or mentally, I'm proud of you. You are an inspiration and a true warrior. Keep fighting. It'll be worth it. 

Energy Expelled: This took a week to write. The vision in my eyes is pretty bad. I'm naseous, dizzy, and feverish. My hands are cramping up and my fingers aren't too thrilled about life. And I've got a nasty migraine coming.  

~ This is not the end. 

Month 11(prt 2): Ammunition To Fight

This month was not what I had expected. I thought when Dr.N said I had turned the corner I would have seen only positives this month. That wasn't the case. I ended up at Urgent Care, went to ER, been in more pain than I have in a while, dealing with totally unnecessary drama, and some of my symptoms have come back :/ 

I hate Chronic Lyme Disease. 

As I write this I'm at home while everyone else is at church. My husband, family, friends and small group are all at church and I'm so bummed I'm not there. I was going to go because this weekend is a huge party to launch the small groups and invite people to join in community- cause life should not be done alone. But I'm super irritable, overly sensitive  (sound and light) and in pain. Yes, I'm having a pity party in my room.  

I've been trying my best being positive. Writing down what I'm thankful for and what blesses me. I've been trying to surround myself with positive life-giving people. But some days it gets to me. Some days I'm so bummed I'm missing out that all the positive thoughts, praying and thankful lists can't make it better. 

Like for real, I just want to go to the beach or to the zoo or to the state fair or hike ... I want to be human for a bit! No meds to take, no infusing to do, no resting, and no pain! 

I miss life. I miss showers not being marathons. I miss driving my car. I miss making plans and keeping them. I miss not "paying for it" the next day. I miss being able to fill up my whole water bottle alone. I miss hiking. I miss having a hard apple cider. I miss dancing. I miss a lot. From big things to things people take for granted everyday. Things I take for granted.

I think I'm just super disappointed. I thought this month was gonna be different, but instead it's been a plateau... Well, actually, it's been some steps back. My feet started hurting again. The pain in my spleen, lower back, heart and chest is worse. Heart racing, skipping beats, and pausing has been worse. I'm irritable, sound/light sensative again. And the stupid ringing in my ears is loud. Like I-can't-think loud. Among a few other things. 

But I still need to look for the positives. Otherwise this gets too hard. My moods are still pretty stable (I mean for a girl ;). Depression and anxiety have not gotten worse. I have a bit more energy. Can still walk on my own. And the hiatal hernia hadn't caused me any issues in a few weeks! So yay for all that! 

I went to the hormone treatment doctor last week. Let's just say it's a good thing I'm going to her. My blood test came back with my hormones in a few cases being extremely  low.  She works with Lymies as well and said this could be the reason I keep plateauing/relapsing. So this hormone treatment can help the Lyme treatment. Here's to hoping so! 

I'm not depressed. I'm not angry. I'm not bitter or hating life. I'm just disappointed. I'm ready to be in remission. I'm ready to have a job and go to school. I'm ready to live with just me and Tanner. I'm ready to move on from this season of life. I'm ready. And even in the hard, painful, lonely days the readiness is stronger than the sadness. My eagerness to keep fighting this tormenting, despicable, painful disease is stronger than my disappointment that it isn't going how I want. 

And sometimes on the days I can't take anymore, the days I want to pull out the PICC line and call it quits, I feel stronger. Caus, in that moment, I have to make a choice. Do I want it? Do I want to kick Lyme disease in the butt and say I beat it? Do I want that more than having a pitty party and throwing in the towel? Yes! I want it! I want nothing more than to hear Dr.N say "you're in remission". I want nothing more than to tell all of you I beat this. I want nothing more than to be victorious over chronic Lyme Disease. 

And so despite the pitty party happening. Despite the pain and loneliness. Despite Lyme Disease. I fight. And I'll win! Cause I  want that more than I'm tired and sick and hurting. I want to beat this. I have to beat this. 

And in the hardest of days, the days where fighting for my life seems impossible, I ask myself- what do I want more? To let Chronic Lyme Disease beat me? Or for me to beat it? 

• I'm thankful I can live stream church service

• I'm thankful God made me a fighter, more than a conqueror, victorious, passionate, and strong spirited

• I'm thankful for a car ride into the mountains with my husband 

~ "But He gives more grace" James 4:6